He Is Watching Me
A D/s relationship often evolves around kink and sex, at least for the majority of people. There are certainly those that have non-sexual D/s connections, and they are just as valid. But I assume that most people think D/s is about BDSM. And that definitely is true for me. There is just so much more to why I am in a connection where I submit to a Dominant. My submissive needs can be met in many different ways, and my Master’s dominant needs just as much.
Lately, we have been in a bit of a low sexually. In comparison to others we probably still have lots sex. We fuck and play several times a week. It is just not the same as when we are our usual selves, where sex a few times a day isn’t out of the question, and hours long play neither. But sometimes things like bad mental health, life’s stressors or just a lack of opportunity, puts a stop to what usually is a quite stable foundation of our relationship. That is when I get reminded of that there is so much more to our Dominant and submissive roles than just the sex.
I sometimes complain about that I don’t feel like my Master is rough enough. I feel like he is too caring, that he doesn’t push me as hard as I would want him to. And that is true, I often wish that he was a stronger and stricter Master, and not as much a caretaker Dom. But then I’m struggling and realize that I need his caretaker side just as much as the sadistic Dominant that he is otherwise.
There is a part of me that needs him to be soft and caring. That needs him to give me attention and protect me. And yes, every now and then, that side of him annoys me when my others needs are stronger in the moment. But I wouldn’t want him to be any other way. You can be a caretaker Dom, and still be a sadist when the context is right. I think the main issue is the switching between those parts and knowing when what sides of him are what I need. And also him being in the right state of mind. But all those are things that we have discussed at length and although we are really good at communication, we still have room to grow.
My need to be taken care is very closely connected to wanting his attention and to feel protected. I need him to make me feel safe. That is how our connection started when it began to evolve from a friendship. There was this safe space that we had created together, this safety bubble, where I wasn’t scared, where I allowed him to lead. It felt like a mental hug, like he had placed a warm fuzzy blanket on my overwhelmed mind. I gave him my trust, he gave me safety. And I crave that particular feeling just as much as I crave him to use me as his slut, and slap my tits really hard. Because D/s isn’t about just one thing.
I feel lost when he isn’t with me, and while I get that that sounds unhealthy, for me it just means that I trust him and need him. I am aware of my needs and I don’t shy away from them. And I don’t cling, but I do feel lost when he is not at home, or close to me. I need to feel like I have his attention, like he is there to make me feel safe. And that is especially a thing when I am supposed to sleep, nap or when he is not at home at all.
So he solved that issue by installing a camera. Now, that does sound creepy, doesn’t it? It is one of those baby cameras that make it possible for him to watch me when he isn’t in the room, and even when he isn’t at home. And you know what? It makes me feel taken care of and safe. I have a huge issue falling asleep due to anxiety and hypervigilance but now, when I know he is watching me sleep when he isn’t in the room with me, helps me a lot to be able to close my eyes and drift off. And I think it makes him feel like his caretaker Dom needs are met too.
When he isn’t at home and he sees that I am anxious about something, he texts me and asks what is wrong. When he is in the other room and I wake up, he comes into the bedroom and hugs me. Because waking up is as much of a struggle for me as falling asleep is. He is always watching me. And I love it.
So even if at first a camera might seem creepy and weird, it actually represents part of our D/s and makes it easier for us to get our caretaker and taking care of needs met. We are together even when we are apart. It really isn’t much different to when we used to skype all the time, and he would watch me sleep, or we would just go on about our days while having the cameras on.
I love being reminded of that our D/s is more than just sex. I often feel guilty when I am going through a period when I am not easily aroused or when other things in life keep us from having the sex that we both crave. All I need to remember more often is that there are so many other things in our connection that are very much D/s. Focusing on getting our needs met through those things can be just as rewarding. We both give and take in different ways all the time, after all.