Lockdown: Changes, Fears and Positives

Everyone in the world is experiencing some sort of restrictions on their daily lives at the moment. In some countries it is about a total lockdown, others have only certain rules in order, and yet others have slowly started to reopen certain areas of society. In some way or another, the whole world is sitting in the same boat right now. There is uncertainity, fear, a feeling of a lack of control and day to day life has massively changed. Some are lucky enough to still have jobs and work from home, while others might not even have the means to get enough food on the table anymore. Whether you have pre-existing conditions, mental illness, a job or not a job: you life has changed, and it will most likely not go back to normal any time soon. This can have a huge strain on your mental health and your relationships. I think we all have someone we are missing dearly at the moment, or someone who we are especially worried about in times like these.

Effects on My Life and Mental Health

I personally have been sort of lucky in all of this: I didn’t have to make too many changes because I have lived an isolated life anyway. Sure, I miss going to concerts and being able to go shopping, or maybe have a meal out. But in general, I am used to sitting at home and not engaging much with other people. It is a little bit harder because spring is my favourite time of the year, and I would really like to get out more. But I don’t think I am suffering too much from the social restrictions.

My mental health has definitely taken a hit though. I need stability around me, a certainity that some things are going to stay the same. And I need that so I can hold on to that, and feel safe. I don’t deal well with uncertainity at all, and with there being an invisible threat, my trauma reactions kick in. I am constantly hypervigilant, my anxiety levels are higher, I barely sleep. And I get jumpy and easily triggered. I do belong to some high risk groups due to my physical health conditions, so that doesn’t make it easier.

I had a scare here and there too. My mother, who lives in Germany, is a nurse assistant at a cancer ward. And she developed a cough and a fever. Of course everyone, me included, assumed that she had Covid. She got tested and fortunately the test came back negative. My ex-husband in Sweden was ill for five weeks with something that definitely sounded like Covid but they don’t test much in Sweden, so we will probably never know. He is better now. Even my Master had a bit of a fever for two days, so he had to self-isolate for a while. The virus has definitely gotten closer to me, and I am still worried that I might catch it.

Our financial situation has changed a little, as my Master’s hours have been cut. He is also working from home half of the time now. There is a worry that he might lose his job, as some people have already been laid off at the company. I don’t even want to think about what that would mean for my residency application, or our surival in general.

So have I been affected by the crisis and all the restrictions? For sure. But I also think I am lucky. I am an indoorsy person with a small social circle. And I am not close to my family and I haven’t met any of them in years anyway. I live in a province in Canada, where the numbers have been steadily going down and we never had a terrible peak. At the moment, I have food on the table. And I might not have health insurance, but if I needed emergency help, there are enough beds and ventilators here. So I don’t want to whine too much. Because I have friends who have it way worse. I have friends who have lost loved ones, lost their jobs and don’t know how to feed their children. At the moment, I am probably one of the luckier ones in this whole situation.

My Relationship During This Time

I know that for a lot of people, all the changes in day to day life, and the social restrictiions, have had a huge impact on their romantic relationships and sexual connections. If you are in a long distance relationship, the uncertainity of when you are able to see each other again, must be overwhelming (I wrote a post on how to keep the spark alive in LDRs at this time). For a lot of people, the sex life is suffering because the children are at home all the time. Or your D/s might go on the back burner, because different things need to be a priority. You could also be living with someone who has an addiction or who is abusive, and you now have nowhere to hide from them. And what about all of those who are single? Not even using Tinder is much of an option in many places at the moment! So yeah, whatever your relationship looks like, or your relationship status is, things have probably changed for you.

My relationship definitely has changed, but I don’t think it is for the worse. It is just different. My Master is at home a lot more. And I love it! I hate waiting for him to leave work. So this has been such a positive for me! Sure, he has to work when he is at home during the afternoons, but just his physical presence is nice. I can sit and write, while he codes. We eat our meals together. I can have a hug whenever I want one. We can have sex, we can take a break together.

I am lucky because I am happy in my relationship. We love spending time together. We don’t get on each other’s nerves. My Master being at home more, has brought us closer together. And it has reassured me that we are right for each other. Has it affected our D/s dynamic? I actually don’t think that it has. We have become more atuned to each other, and he has an easier time to show his dominant side because there is more space for it. We play more, we laugh more, and we hug more. I love that our physical closeness has gotten stronger.

I don’t need a lot of alone time. And I love when we do things together. He is great company. So I am lucky, especially because we don’t have children at home. The only people we need to care about are each other.

It is a difficult time full of changes for everyone on this planet. I think the one thing that we can focus on when things get too overwhelming is that we are not alone. If we reach out to someone, they will understand. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. We are not going to be able to get back to the lives we once had. Change can bring innovation, decisions and improvements too. It might not feel yet that there is anything positive in it all. And that is okay. Let’s all just try to be kind to each other and remember: we are not alone.