Long Distance Relationships and Staying Connected
Long distance relationships are difficult, even with all the modern possibilities to stay connected. The physical touch, the smell of the person that you love, the intimacy of a hug and the connection that sex brings? All that is impossible. You are stuck looking at each through a screen, or reading each other’s words. It is hard enough during stable times, but with the restrictions on travel that the Covid-19 crisis has brought on, there is this added uncertainty. You don’t know when you will be able to be in each other’s arms again. Missing someone is hard!
My Long Distance Relationships
I have been in three long-term long distance relationships and in all of them, there were many months before I was able to meet them again. I know what it feels like to be stuck in that uncertainty, although mine was controlled by a lack of funds and not by a virus. But I got through those times of yearning and loneliness! Let me tell you how.
My first long distance relationship was in the early 2000s. I was living in Germany, my boyfriend in Sweden. We had met online on a Marilyn Manson-forum. After months of chatting and hanging out on MSN (yes, that is how old I am!), he came to visit me for a few days on Christmas 2004. After that followed over a year of a serious long-distance relationship. We were both poor, I was a student, he was unemployed. We saw each other maybe once every three months in real life, for a week to ten days. I eventually moved to Sweden because I couldn’t take the months of missing him anymore.
My second long distance relationship was with a guy from Singapore. I was living in Sweden at that point, and had just gotten out of a marriage. It took almost two years before he had the money to come and visit me. For two years, all we had was the online connection.
And the last long distance relationship was with my current partner. Him in Canada, me in Sweden, many months passed before we could see each other. It was terrible, but we managed to stay deeply connected online. Until I moved in with him.
I am not an expert in long distance relationships, or relationships in general. But I know what helped me keep the relationships alive, and to get through those tough months when I couldn’t meet the men I loved. You might need different things than I do, of course. My goals were to stay connected, to feel like I was actually in a relationship, and to be able to have some sort of sex life!
You need to spend time together, even when you are physically apart. I don’t mean the usual stale date night, when you are both drinking wine and talk about how much you love each other. You don’t always go on dates with your partner in real life, do you? No, you live every day life with each other. And that is exactly what I did with the partners in my long term relationships. No matter if you use Skype, Facebook or Zoom, use a webcam. I don’t mean like a silly phone camera where you are trying to find the best angle. No, a webcam you buy and attach to your laptop. A good quality one. And then you leave that thing on. You never turn it off, unless one of you leaves the house.
Why, you say? Because that is what spending time together is. Not building up some image of you always looking your best, or feeling your best. No, real every day life. When you are both at home, have the webcam on. You both work home? Well, have the webcam on. I did that with all of my partners. When I was preparing for some university exams and my ex from Sweden was coding all day, we didn’t even talk much during those focused hours. But we were spending time together. All I had to do was look at my laptop screen, and there he was. I heard him breathe, cough, I could see him walk to the bathroom or eat a snack.
Date night is lovely. But why not every day night? I fell asleep with all of my long distance relationship partners. Sometimes you got to turn the sound off because they snore, but hey, that is actually an advantage a long distance thing has over a real life thing!
For me, it was about prioritizing. I decided it was more fun to spend time with my partner online, hear about his day, and then hang out, then it was being out and about. And you know, during the Corona-times, you don’t even have to make that choice. You are most likely at home a lot anyway.
Okay, I am a pro when it comes to online sex. I am awesome at it. Because I had to learn how to meet both mine and my partners’ needs just through words and images. There are so many different ways to have sex without touching, just by using a webcam. But even if you are not able to have webcam sex, you can also just use text and send some raunchy pictures (I think if you have a young kid in the house, that is probably often the only option there is, with schools being closed and all). If text is your choice, learn how to sext. And I don’t mean sending peaches and eggplants. I mean using words to seduce and taunt someone. Poke them the right way. Flirt, flirt, flirt.
In my vanilla relationship, it was a lot about masturbation together on camera. We would first flirt, and then I would strip and then we would masturbate and look at each other while doing that. I like being objectified that way, and I loved seeing that I could turn him on. These days, you can just get one of those remote control vibrators, and can feel connected that way.
In my D/s relationships, the possibilities seemed endless. I was the submissive, so I got told what to do, and they watched me do it. It made me feel really great, to be just an object to be used to get off to. But there are so many mindgames that can be played, and you can even self-administer pain if you are a masochist.
One thing that works both in vanilla and in D/s relationships is erotic hypnosis. I know a lot of people have their reservations about it, but it is a safe thing to practice if you are with a safe person. And yes, it works just as well through a webcam, or via a call, or for some even in text. For me, erotic hypnosis was absolutely amazing, and I loved the idea that my Master could make me come on command, without any touch, and he was on the other side of the globe.
Focus on the Now, not the Future
It sucks to be physically apart. It hurts. And thinking about that you don’t know when you will see each other again, is even more painful. The uncertainty can eat you up. I have spent many nights crying and in utter despair, missing my person. What helped me was to refocus. Yes, I couldn’t be with them physically, but I was still with them. I went from thinking about what I can’t do, to what I can do. I can spend time with them, see their face, hear them laugh, see them get off. And I can tell them about my day, and support them. I can’t give them a hug, but I can give them attention.
I am not saying that I didn’t end up being utterly sad about missing them, of course I fell into the well too. But most of the time, I tried my hardest to focus on the now, on what we had. I wanted to enjoy my time with them, and not have it be tainted by pain.
As I said, I am not an expert. But I am someone who can relate to the pain that so many are going through right now. The uncertainty is hard. I know. But hold on to what you have, and make the best of what you know. If you try to stay connected, and get through the time apart together, you might even strengthen your relationship in the long run. Mix that blue of sadness with a sprinkle of yellow happiness, and you will end up with the green of hope.