Love Made Me Do It – Moving Countries

I don’t do relationships the same way most people do, and I definitely do love differently. Love for me is a feeling, and as that, it is something that everyone experiences. But there is so much more to love than just the butterflies in your stomach or the warmth and care you feel for the people you call your family. It doesn’t matter how much I feel love, I also need to trust the person I feel that emotion for. First then can I engage in loving behaviour.

There have not been a lot of people in my life that I trusted enough to give them a piece of my heart. But the few that I allowed to get that close to me, I would have done, and still would do, almost anything for. Because once I love someone, I can’t unlove them. I don’t know how to do that. The nature of my love might change, but they will always own that piece of my heart. So yeah, I have done a lot of crazy things for love. But the most life-changing one is that I moved countries for love. Twice.

Moving Countries – Sweden

I met my first husband, A, online. We were both into the same kind of music and we were both often discussing things on a music forum, This was in the early 2000s, and I still had dial-up internet. Can you imagine? I posted a picture of myself on that forum, and he fell head over heels with me. He was quite persistent but he was also absolutely adorable in his attempts to get my attention. Eventually I got faster internet (weeheee!) and we connected via MSN messenger. We ended up in video calls every day and just hung out a lot. I felt confused by his attention, by his attraction to me. Honestly, at that point in my life I felt quite unlovable and unfuckable, so having a man show actual interest in me, was flabbergasting!

I was living in Germany, he was living in Sweden. He was in a difficult place in his life. He was addicted to amphetamines and was living with his severely mentally ill ex. And that was not all. He also had Hepatitis C, and his liver was starting to fail. And he liked me. And he cared about me. And he said he loved me. So I started to trust him. But I didn’t feel comfortable meeting someone I had just met online, so I actually asked him to do some things first, so it would feel safer for me.

And he did them! He started rehab for his addiction, he started a treatment for his Hepatitis (which eventually got cured!) and he moved into his own place. All within a few weeks time. So I agreed to him visiting me. And our relationship went up to the next level. But he was living in Sweden, and I was still living in Germany. We were both poor and travelling back and forth was really difficult. We found a cheap ferry that took like 12 hours (I get seasick, I fucking hate big boats!) from one country to the next, for 20 Euros. No cabin. Just sitting in the lounge for hours on end.

I supported him through his Hepatitis C treatment and all the terrible side effects. I encouraged him with his sobriety and being clean. But he started behaving strangely and I knew that something was off. I was so worried. I loved him and I wanted him to be okay. His best friend told me eventually that A had fallen off the wagon and was using speed again. So I decided to move in with him.

It was December and it took me two weeks to get some things sorted. He came to visit me for Christmas and we went back to Sweden together. I had no money. I dropped out of university. And I moved in with my unemployed drug-addicted boyfriend. But I saw my future with him. I wanted him to be well. I loved him. My life wouldn’t have made sense without him. I knew that I had to take care of him. So I left my hometown behind and moved to Sweden.

Things turned out okay. We ended up being together for almost 12 years. He is still sober and clean to this day, and is quite healthy for his age. Part of me still loves him. I will always want him to be well.

And I did it again: Canada

The second time I moved countries for love happened just recently, about a year ago. The love that I felt and still feel for my Master is so different from the love that I felt for A. He is not affectionate in the same way, he doesn’t express his feelings the same way. He loves me but he shows it through this actions instead of through his words.

And this time I am not the caretaker, I am the one being taken care of. Everything about our relationship is so different from what I had experienced before. We are in a D/s relationship and I am the submissive. It is a great relationship, and I love him so very very much. The level of trust I feel with him, is indescribable. I have never trusted anyone so much in my life, and I never allowed anyone to see all of me. He is the person who will always know me the best.

We met online too. We were both volunteering on a website for emotional support and eventually got closer. After some drama with our poly partners, it ended up only being us. But we were far apart. I was in Sweden, he was in Canada. And although he came to visit me a few times, we didn’t see enough of each other. I came to visit him last year in August and after three months spent together, I know I couldn’t be without him anymore.

I fixed some things in Sweden and three weeks later I was with my Master in Canada again, and this time I was going to stay. We are now working on my residency status, we got married and I must say that despite my struggles, the last year living with him, has really changed my life. On paper I might still seem pretty pathetic, but in comparison to what my life was like two or three years ago, things are so different. They are better. I enjoy life more. I go out and have fun. I sometimes even believe in a future. Without him, I might not even be alive anymore. One thing is for certain: moving across oceans to be with the man I love, was the right decision.

We all do crazy things for love sometimes. Passion and feelings can push us onto paths that logically seem unreasonable. I am not sure if moving countries for love twice falls into that category. At the time they seemed like reasonable decisions and things turned out really well for me. But for an observer they might just seem like crazy love decisions. So what? I am crazy about love, yeah!