Gratitude

There are three people that I am grateful for helping me explore my sexuality and improving my erotic life. I didn’t have any consensual sex until I was 22 years old, and even after that it took me years to let go sexually and to have the confidence to express my needs.

Thank you, A!

You showed me what it feels like to be loved. I didn’t believe you when you told me that one picture of me had swiped you off your feet. I found it odd when you didn’t leave me alone but instead checked in with me every day. You didn’t even know who I was yet, but you were attracted to me body. I didn’t understand what that meant, I never had anyone say nice things about my physical appearance and actually mean it. It confused me.

You made me feel safe with you. You were broken, just like I was. That made us connect on a deeper level. That and music. Do you remember when we were listening to Marilyn Manson and screaming along? Do you remember when we were on MSN and we had our first video chat? You gave me compliments. And we laughed so much. I didn’t believe that anyone could love me. But you didn’t let go. Every day you were there, just talking.

You were so intense and raw, so passionate, and you were attracted to me. You were the first person who ever saw me fully naked, on my terms, without any pressure. And you didn’t laugh, you weren’t disgusted. No, you were still attracted to me. You complimented me. I could see your arousal. For the first time in my life, my body didn’t feel wrong. Sharing my body with someone didn’t feel wrong.

Maybe it was safe because we started online. But you helped me let go enough that I allowed you to see me naked. You maybe never understood how big of a step that was for me. I still couldn’t grasp that anyone would find me attractive. But you did. You helped me so much by just being attracted to me and not leaving me alone.

When we first met, I was scared. I was not scared of you. It was the sex I was scared of. I was scared that in real life, you wouldn’t find me attractive. I was scared that I was not normal, that I was disgusting. And the first time we tried, it went all sorts of wrong. But you didn’t blame me, you gave me time and space. You wanted me, and you wanted to me to feel okay with what we were doing.

And the first time it actually happened, the first time you entered me and I wasn’t tense, or scared, or triggered, I cried. I cried because it felt so good. I cried because someone wanted me the way you wanted me. With love and passion, and no bad intentions. You focused on me, and you never pushed me. Reading me, my reactions, my movements. You helped me understand that I could be attractive to someone, that I was fuckable without being disposable.

I know that our relationship didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to be. But I am incredibly grateful for everything that you have done for me. You helped me be okay with sex. and you helped me understand that I could be attractive. You never judged my body. And you loved me. I will forever be grateful for the 12 years we spent together.

Thank you, S!

I remember when we first started chatting. You needed my help with something and I was blown away by your way with words. I didn’t know what you looked like, or who you were. But the way you expressed yourself, the words that you picked, your eloquently put together sentences. I wanted to fuck you right there. But I had to stay professional, the circumstances demanded it.

We couldn’t stay away from each other and one thing led to another. Your words made me swoon. Your talent with expressing things in ways no one else ever did before. I remember the first time we had sex online. We were in a call on Skype and you were still hesitant, maybe even shy. But I couldn’t not do it. For the first time in my life, I actively and consciously tried to seduce someone. And it worked! I know it might not have seemed like a big deal to you. But I felt like part of my sexual being awoke just there.

We had a D/s connection without knowing that we did. We didn’t call it anything. For a long time we didn’t want to define it at all. We were worlds apart physically, after all. We were addicted to each other sexually. And you pushed me into understanding myself better. I will be forever grateful for tickling out the slut in me. You instructed me and I followed your lead.

I felt safe with you. You were my main support so my mind trusted you. So it was easier to let go sexually. Do you remember the first time you called my Babygirl and I called you Daddy, and how we smiled at each other? Do you remember when you turned me into a pile of horniness and you made me fuck myself for hours? All I was, was sex with you.

When we met, we fucked a lot. It just felt right, the closeness. You were the first person who I ever allowed to piss on me. The first person I ever allowed to give me pain in a sexual context. You explored things with me, you helped me understand my sexuality better.

Thank you, S. Our connection was so passionate that it often exploded, in not very positive ways all of the time. You were not always good to me. But everytime we had sex, online or in real life, you understood my needs better than I did myself. You awoke the crazy sexual being in me, and I am grateful for that.

Thank you, Master!

You were not even interested in me because you are careful. All you wanted to do was to be there for me. The trust that we have built up with each other is the strongest connection I have ever had with anyone. You know my everything. There is absolutely nothing that you don’t know about me. I can be fully myself with you, and you don’t judge me, sexually or in any other way. Our connection is on so many levels, and so deep, that I often feel that without you, I am nothing.

It sounds scary, but I am grateful for that! You have helped me discover my submissive side and showed me how to let go, be totally free, under your control. The way you look at my body and at me, the way you embrace all that I am and it pleases you, gives me so much confidence. You have taught me how to be okay with myself, with my body, with my sexuality. There is nothing about me, that could shock or disgust you. I feel safe with you.

Do you remember the first time we did erotic hypnosis? The trust I have for you, translated into an extraordinary experience. You were in my mind, you were in control of my body and mind, and it felt amazing. I love how we tickle each other’s needs. My masochist and your sadist, they are best buddies!

The things that you have shown me about myself are incredible. I never knew that I am such a sexual being, I had always denied that part of myself. We fuck every day, we play every day. You meet so many of my sexual needs, I always get off with you. You make me beg for it, you make go through so much pain. My submissive side shines with you. And everything feels so natural. I had never expected that I would be okay being naked around someone all the time. But with you, it is what I want to be: vulnerable in my body and my mind. Because I trust you.

Thank you for giving me the best sex of my life. I thank you for accepting me for who I am, sexually and on all other levels. Thank you for liking me, for being attracted to me. And oh god, thank you for showing me every day where my place is. Our sexual demons have the best adventures with each other, don’t they?