Hiding in the Shadows – BDSM is still unmentionable

Most people hide certain things about themselves from others and the reasons for that can be aplenty. That is how the social game works, that is how society works. There are topics that are taboo, there are situations where it is inappropriate to talk about certain things. In general, I can see why these unwritten social laws exist: they make society function better. Taboo topics are very much about the context, place and time, someone is in, but I feel like there are some taboos that generally are being avoided. If something is a taboo, it is pushed aside and ignored, it is not to be talked about, and its existence is invalidated.

While sex positivity is spreading in general, most social media services still shadowban accounts related to sex. That is bad enough. But what I find even worse is the stigma around BDSM and kink. You might think that after 50 Shades of Grey, things look different now. But they certainly don’t. The BDSM and kink community is still very much stigmatized!

One might think: well, you know, maybe it is not so bad for all you kinky folks though. At least you are not LGBTQ+! – Well, do we need to compare? There are a lot more overlapping features between the LGBTQ+ community and the BDSM community than some would like to admit anyway. The first pride parades were lead by leather lesbians, a lot of people in the BDSM community identify as homo-, bi-, or pansexual. Genderfluidity and trans* are quite common too.

The BDSM and LGBTQ+ communities are not separate, they are intertwined on many levels. I can see that someone who is heterosexual and into BDSM, would have to fight with less stigma than someone who is trans* and in a D/s relationship. Sure! We all hold different privileges after all, so comparison might not be very helpful. (there is also a movement that promotes the idea that BDSM is a sexual orientation. But that is a topic for another post!).

Being into BDSM, or being in a D/s relationship, is not something that someone proudly talks about on Christmas eve with family. It is not something you’d want your boss to know about, your neighbours or your friends. But on the other hand, is it something that you don’t want to practice? For most of us, BDSM is what we need to feel sexually satisfied. We are drawn to it, we can’t escape those needs. It is the way we are wired. Yes, for some, it is something they sometimes do to spice up things in the bedroom, but that is not how I feel. I would not be sexually satisfied with vanilla sex. My needs would not be met, emotionally or sexually, in a vanilla relationship. I need to be submissive, I thrive on it, it is who I am. It is not a role. It is me.

I don’t need to share my bedroom stories on Christmas eve. But you know what would be lovely? Being able to call my partner Master in public. Being able to wear a collar in public and explaining to people what it means to me. Small things and gestures that would mean a lot. But because of the stigma in society around, and the fear of being shamed, I hide who I am. My being a submissive in a D/s relationship is unmentionable.

The risks for me are not even as great as they are for many others in the BDSM community. A lot of people are afraid they would lose their jobs if anyone would find out. Or their parenthood might be looked into. Family and friends might shun them. Their whole lives could be ruined if anyone would find out. That is why there are so many faceless Fetlife-accounts. That is why many sexbloggers that are in D/s dynamics, don’t show their faces. We all need to hide who we are in some way or another, It depends on the context and where you live.

There is still the assumption that BDSM is about abuse, and that those who engage in it are mentally ill. Of course there is a risk of abuse in D/s dynamics, I am not denying that. That is why safe, sane and consensual is the guideline in the BDSM community. But yes, the risk for abuse and conditioning into abuse is higher than it is in vanilla relationships. It is not the norm in the BDSM community though, despite the stereotype that it is. Sadistic personality disorder and masochistic personality disorder were actual diagnosises in psychiatric diagnostic manuals for a long time and have only recently been removed! It is understandable that most people who are in D/s relationships and dynamics, hide that part of themselves from the rest of the world.

The sad thing is, that the only way to break stigma is, is to talk about it. There are some brave warriors out there: those that speak about the BDSM community and D/s relationships publically, that blog about it, that work in their local scene to organize events and such. I think that is where the solution lies: slowly taking space in the public sphere. To not hide in the shadows, but to try to become part of the whole.

What we love, what we practice, who we are, doesn’t have to be unmentionable anymore. We can take the space we deserve, if we can’t do it in our lives because of the risk of life-altering consequences, at least on the internet, anonymously. Who we are, what we are into, what makes us feel good, what we identify as, is nothing to be ashamed of. We might still be hiding in the shadows, but the light isn’t that far off.

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