Touch

I have never craved physical touch. Most people talk about how they miss to be hugged or tenderly touched. I can not relate to that feeling. It might seem odd, but even when I hadn’t had sex with anyone in real life for a while, I didn’t miss the physical closeness. I was totally fine with the emotional and mental connection I had with online partners. I didn’t crave for them to actually be there with me physically.

I have long been wondering why it is that way. I guess a lot of it has to do with a lack of self-confidence, a negative body image, and trauma. I always assumed that no one would want to touch me. And I also have this disconnect from my body at times, a sort of dissociation, so I don’t necessarily experience physical needs or sensations the same way others do.

I don’t think much has changed in that regard for me. Unless I am close to someone physically already, I don’t have the physical need for touch. So the last two months or so, when I was struggling with depression, I didn’t get too bothered by my low libido. I was still able to please my Master, and I still enjoyed the closeness. But I craved it even less than I usually do. And it frustrates me.

Physical touch makes me feel better. A hug makes me feel safe. I feel grounded and I can breathe out. Sex and arousal make me feel distracted and an orgasm is a positive experience, always. And pain helps ease my anxiety and tension. I know that. And I experience those things when it happens. But once it is over, it is almost like my body forgets that those things exist, and I don’t crave nor miss them. And that frustrates me. It is almost like my body has amnesia and my mind returns to a state of disconnection.

I have always been more of a head person. As I have written before, someone’s looks have absolutely no effect on if I am attracted to them or not. I need to feel a chemistry that is beyond bodies, it needs to be in the mind, in the feelings. So my emotional needs are stronger than my physical needs, and I always somewhat met my need for sex, arousal and even safety, through words and mental connection. But it is pretty obvious that there are other ways, and even more effective ways for those needs to be met. And I experience that every time I get a hug, I have rough sex or my Master plays with me. So why doesn’t my body remember?

He often offers to hug me when I am unwell. And my first thought is always: How is that going to make a difference? – and then he hugs me and I feel safe and cared for, and less alone in my emotional struggles. And I know that right now. But in that moment, my body doesn’t remember. Just his physical presence already has a calming effect on me. But do I ask for it? I don’t.

Something similar happens when I have very high anxiety or even panic attacks. I am so stuck in the feeling that I want to panicky logic my way out of it. I don’t go to impulsive action anymore like I used to, but instead my brain tries to find a way to calm down. Only, I know that the most effective way for me to release those emotions, are strong physical sensations. I don’t think about asking him for that in the moment though. He just does it, like squeezing my arm really hard or pushing me on the bed for a spanking. And seconds later, I am calm. How come I don’t understand that myself in the moment? How come my body forgot?

Even in depression, I like sex. And even more so, rough sex. I don’t need to come, I don’t need to be very aroused. But the distraction of it, the mental pleasure of pleasing my Master, or to feel that I am attractive to another person: all that makes me feel better. I know I need it. My mind knows. But my body doesn’t crave it.

It is comforting to know that my Master is aware of how comforting and important touch is for me. Because my body forgets as soon as it disconnects from my mind. But in the moment, the moment he hugs me, he hurts me, he fucks me? I don’t want it to ever stop. I need touch. I just don’t always remember that.

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