Dominance in D/s and BDSM

It feels a bit odd to discuss dominance because I identify as a submissive. Although, dominance and submission are intrinsically linked and one doesn’t make much sense without the other. There are many different types and roles that the dominant in a D/s dynamics can take on, and they kind of correspond to the different submissive roles. So what I would need in a Dom is not at all what another submissive would want or need, or how a dominant is supposed to be. I don’t think there is a “supposed to” here anyway.

What is Dominance?

There are no rules on what kind of traits of characteristics a Dom should have. A primal sadistic Dom is very different from one in a Domestic Discipline 24/ relationship. A Daddy Dom/Mommy Domme is not the same as a Master with strong rigger tendencies. There are so many combinations and nuances of the different roles, that it is almost impossible to define “Dominance”. But let me try!

I think dominance in a D/s context is a behaviour that is about responsible guidance and leadership. It is also a character trait that demands respect and submission, with or without a need to push for it. Additionally, dominance involves good decision making, an ability to read another person’s emotions and reactions, and a respectful behaviour towards the person a dominant is in control of.

I think this describes dominance in all dominant roles one could imagine in D/s dynamics. That might be in play, in the bedroom, or involving a lifestyle relationship. It describes Daddies and Mommies, Sadists and Disciplinarians, Riggers, Masters and Sirs.

Dominance – Something that you are or that you learn?

This question has apparently divided the kink community for a long time. I think this is an excluding thought process though. How would you even know if someone’s dominant behaviour is something that they have acquired over the years, or if it is something that they naturally are? I don’t believe there is anything like a “true dominant”. I say that because just dominant behaviour is not all that is needed to be the dominant in a D/s dynamics. You need to be responsible and respectful too. If you don’t add those essential traits, you are basically just an abuser.

Someone might have the natural aura of a dominant and I can see how that is initially very attractive to a submissive. I admit that it is attractive to me too. But that doesn’t mean that that particular person is safe to play or be in a relationship with. A dominant, just like a submissive, should (yes, now I am using the should-word!) work on personal growth all the time. They are the leader in the dynamic, the submissive puts all their trust in them, so they need to show that they are trustworthy.

Thinking about it, I personally prefer a Dom who has a strong need to be a dominant and is willing to learn and constantly grow. A lot of times, you run into Doms who are convinced that they are a gift to the world, they are perfect and nothing they do should be questioned. I find that kind of behaviour to be quite off-putting, and unsafe. No matter if you are born with it, or you are or you had to learn and teach yourself to be assertive and dominant, what you are is valid. The important thing is that you are willing to learn, to be humble, to grow and to be responsible.

What I’d need from a Dom

My preferences differ probably a lot from what others need in a dominant partner, and that is okay! There are so many different ways to be dominant and what works for me, might not be your cup of tea at all.

I need a Dom who is a combination of a Daddy Dom, caretaker Dom, Sadist and Master. I need someone who is stable, consistent and respectful, someone who likes guiding and punishing me. He shouldn’t be too soft but also be able to read when I need care instead of punishment. I want to be with someone who loves the sexual aspect of D/s and who likes to use me, my body and wants to control me sexually. Someone who wants to push my limits, play with my mind and that is obviously superior to me intellectually.

What I can’t be without

That was quite a long list. I know that it is quite impossible for all my needs to be met by one person, and that is okay. In the end it is about a personality fit. But there are three things I wouldn’t be able to be without: consistency, sadism and caretaking.

It is so confusing when you are with a Dom who is not consistent. It is one thing to not always be on top of your game. I get that and I don’t expect anyone to always feel great. But if certain rules are just sometimes reinforced or certain behaviour just sometimes punished, then I don’t know how to behave. If the dominant partner is not a strong consistent leader, I can’t be submissive. I get confused and instead my bratty side takes over and I might even become disrespectful. I can only be a good submissive if my Dom is a good dominant. (- things a brat says.)

I need to be with a sadist. Sure, I love a good fuck but I am unable to enjoy myself sexually unless there is some kind of pain or humiliation involved. Control is good addition to. But again, doesn’t do so much for me unless I can see the evil sadistic streak in it as well. I wonder if that has to do with my instinctive need to be with an abuser due to my trauma. I want to make safe decisions, so the closest I can get to being with an abuser is to be with a sadist in a consensual D/s dynamics. This could actually make a good topic for another post!

Last but not least, one thing I can not be without is someone who is a caretaker kind of person. I am all kinds of messed up and I definitely need the guidance, the patience and the hugs. This has been the most difficult part for me to accept because this is where my Daddy issues come in. I need some kind of parental presence in my life. A caretaker Dom provides exactly that.

Doms are human too!

This whole post has been about expectations on those that take on the dominant role in a D/s dynamic. I want to add that there are certain expectations on submissives in D/s dynamics as well, and that those, just like with the dominant roles, are very individual and dependent on the connection you are in.

It is important to remember that Doms are human too. They mess up, they can’t always be on top of their game. They have bad days, they can suffer from mental health issues or physically struggle. That doesn’t make them less dominant. It makes them human. And there is nothing wrong with taking care of your dominant person sometimes. They need hugs just as much as anyone else, and they deserve reminders of that they are loved and appreciated. If you need a cold functioning dominant to tell you what to do, Alexa, Siri or Cortana might be a better fit for you than a real human Dom.

I am combining the Tell me About meme and the 30 Days of Submission challenge with this post. The question for the 30 Days of Submission challenge is:

What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

(You can read another post on Dominance that I wrote here)