Never Again …

Never again am I going to have vanilla sex. Boom. When most people think about things they have done sexually that they never want to engage in again, it is often about a kink, a position or a service that they’d never want to do again, because it made them feel uncomfortable. Of course there are certain positions, and kinks, that are not my favourites. But I wouldn’t necessary avoid them for the rest of my life. I can imagine doing almost anything (apart from my hard limits), in a BDSM or D/s context.

The what is not as important to me as the how and with whom. For many years of my life, I have been in monogamous vanilla relationships, with loving, romantic sex. I didn’t hate it. Instead, I loved being with the people I was with, I loved the love, the care, the consideration. I loved the respect. And I don’t regret having been in those relationships. I regret not having explored more. I regret not actually having listened to my own thoughts and urges, not having spoken up about what would interest me in a sexual context.

Vanilla sex is nice. But is it satisfying? Nope. I have reflected around this for a while, actually. Vanilla sex can be triggering for me. I have more than once ended up in a flashback when having slow, careful kissing, foreplay and sex. So I used to actually let my thoughts float away with me, I would think about other things, trying to ignore the things that were happening to my body. I couldn’t let go and enjoy the careful caressing, the tender kisses, the loving pounding. It didn’t give me any strong physical reactions. Instead it activated something else in me, some uncomfortable emotional truth, some memories that were very unpleasant.

I can understand why people would enjoy vanilla sex, especially the kind of sex in loving and respectful relationships. But for me, that kind of sex doesn’t mean physical reactions. I don’t physically react, instead I dissociate from my body, and I don’t experience any physical reactions at all. I have always wondered why I am not able to get wet during foreplay, or during sex. This is the reason. I don’t feel the stimulation. This is what sexual trauma can do to you, good people. It can make you numb to normal physical touch. It is sad, but hey, I realized that it doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy sex. I just can’t enjoy that kind of sex. As a matter of fact, that kind of sex can make me feel bad, triggered and leave me both unsatisfied and dissociated.

Now, now I finally let go. I discovered that there are ways for me to enjoy sex, not only enjoy, but to actually lose it, be totally engulfed by it, go crazy with it. All I needed was a different kind of stimulation, a different kind of touch, a different kind of dynamics. The one thing that had ruined sex for me was my need for control. I tried to get some sort of control over my reactions, and when I couldn’t, my brain dissociated. I was uncomfortable with thinking about what was happening to me.

Now, when having BDSM sex, I am not in control. It is already decided beforehand, I am not in control of what is going to happen to my body. And for some reason that is safer for me. I don’t need to think, I don’t need to focus. I can instead let go. When I know I don’t have any control, that is when I can be free in my mind, that is when my body seems to be able to react in positive ways.

I also need strong physical stimulations that make me react instantly. Pain, rough sex, being tied down, being used, hair and skin pulled, slapped, hard impact. I love all of those things because they allow me to physically feel something! It is like the endorphins being released into my body override that I otherwise might get triggered by anything sexual. And I am glad that they override it, because I can now enjoy sex! And it even arouses me, really really arouses me.

I always thought that I was not a sexual person. That I never enjoyed sex. I thought I was one of those people that just were kind of focused on other areas in life. I didn’t deem sex as important and fortunately, none of my partners were bothered by that. But now, now I have realized that I am indeed a very sexual being! I love sex! I had just never had the right kind of sex. And never will I ever again have vanilla sex. That ship has sailed, has had me yawn and shudder too many times. But sex in a BDSM dynamics. Hell yeah. Over and over. Please!

This post is for the Erotic Journal Challenge, and the questions this week were:

What have you done sexually that you would never do again (or never do again THAT WAY)? Or are there things you’ve done that you’d do but with certain changes? Is there a promise you’ve made yourself about how you will conduct yourself sexually based on events of the past? Is there some negative behavior or thought-pattern you want to stop or re-program?