My Own Personal Torture Chamber – A Sexual Room 101 and Public Nudity

I have read George Orwell’s “1984” many times, for pleasure, high school classes and university classes. I love dystopian novels, and as a matter of fact, I even wrote my thesis in literary studies on a dystopian story (“Kallocain” by Karin Boye). What is interesting with dytopias is that they don’t necessarily represent our current reality, but they are not far off from how things could look like if we as a society take a couple steps into a certain direction. It is the nihilistic version of a possible future. I think these days most people get in touch with a dystopian way of thinking through watching “Black Mirror”. It is eerie how it seems real because it just a couple of wrong steps away from where we are as a society right now.

Room 101 is a room that holds your deepest fear or phobia. It is a torture room, where that fear is used to break you and your resistance. I have a lot and lot of fears and triggers that would easily break me. But I rather want to talk about the sexual corner of my hypothetical Room 101. What do I fear most when it comes to sex? What would break me and make me extremely uncomfortable? What would I rather have to be banished behind locked doors in a basement that I might never enter?

My Worst Sexual Fear

Sexually, I can think only of one thing. Well, apart from my hard limits like scat play and using certain kind of words. I can usually take the uncomfortable during sex and play, and put them down as a way of arousing torture, or pleasing the person I am with. I can turn it into a positive, into something that I can still enjoy on some level. These things are not uncomfortable enough to be locked up in a room in a dark and eerie basement. Some of those things include tickle torture, fisting, being made fun of and laughed at.

There is definitely one particular thing that I would love to have locked up, something that I am scared of and that has played out in my nightmares. It is quite a paradox thing because it is a fantasy of mine at the same time, and in some ways I am even doing it online. But it is not something that I would be able to do in real life. It freaks me out the moment it could become a reality. I don’t think it will ever be on the table for me. I would run away, having a panic attack.

So what am I talking about? Being naked in front of others in a public space. See, my pictures on this blog (and on Fetlife even more so) might make me seem like an exhibitionist, but I am really not one at all. I feel uncomfortable being naked in front of others, not only uncomfortable, I just can’t do it! No one had ever seen me fully naked with my consent up until my mid 20s! Can you imagine?

The Paradoxes

I know that I post pictures of myself online where I am naked. But that is different. They are set up, they are angled. I have used filters to improve them. I can control what and how people see me. I approve of them, there are no uncomfortable angles, there are no weird angles. I am wondering if posting those kinds of images is helpful for me, or if it works against me. It is nice to get compliments, but on the other hand, I might get stuck in a mindset where I feel like I am only attractive in certain angles, with certain filters.

I go to play parties and fetish events and I often feel like I am the woman who is wearing the most clothing. I dress sexy, my bra might show, I wear fishnet dresses. But I am never ever naked. I don’t want my belly to show, my boobs to be on display, even my upper arms to be naked. Watching others casually taking their clothes off before a scene, makes me jealous. I see people of all body types and genders running around naked. I don’t judge them, I find all body types pleasing in one way or another. But I judge myself and I am scared they would judge me.

I read about sex parties. I get invited to them. I look at the list of people participating in them and they all have different body types. They all seem so comfortable with their own bodies, and I am jealous. I hate my body. I am very often disgusted with my own body. There are times I see my boobs or my belly by mistake in a mirror from an angle that is unflattering, and I literally gag.

There is a kind of paradox going on for me though. I actually have fantasies of gangbangs and being whored out. Those fantasies I have had ever since I was a teenager and they often build up to a strong need. I can somewhat imagine it, feeling safe with my Master, him calling the shots and making the decisions, and I am just obeying. I can imagine it. But I would not be able to actually make that fantasy into a reality. I would not be able to relax enough, feel safe enough.

Body Image Issues

What I am scared of is judgment. I am scared that people would laugh, make rude comments and or even, like I do, gag if they see me naked. In my imagination it is impossible, anyone seeing all of me, without any flattering angles, finding me attractive. I think that I am doing people a favour by hiding my body.

My body image issues come from a quite obvious source. I have always had people commenting on my body, in negative ways. Already as a child I got told to lose weight, that I am fat, that I am never going to get anyone to marry me because my body is fat. That was at home, from my family. Later on, during my teenage years, I got bullied for my body. I got called names because of my body type. The few times the shape of my boobs showed, I got made fun of. It didn’t matter that there were people who were attracted to me. The bullies’ words got burnt into my mind. It is the fingers that pointed at me, and the mean laughter. I doubt that I will ever be fully able to move on from those experiences.

So what would be locked up in my own personal Room 101, hopefully never to be used to torture me? Being naked in front of others, in public, and in reality.