Bye Bye, 2020!
Now, wasn’t this one hell of a year? I know that for many this must have been the worst year of their lives, when their more or less privileged normal lives got interrupted by a virus that at this point everyone in the world has most likely heard of. All the Zoom-calls, lack of travelling or casual sex definitely messed up many middle class lives. On the other hand, many people lost their livelihood, or even worse, their lives. As I watched it all unfold, I was and am still stuck in a place where I don’t belong to one group or the other. I know how to get through crisis, and chronic fear. I have dealt with it all my life. So the pandemic hasn’t affected me as much as it has others. And for that, and for once in my life, I have been pretty privileged.
I mean, sure, I had plans for 2020. I had concert tickets, I was expecting to see family from Germany, I was waiting for my immigration papers to be processed. None of that happened. I didn’t go to kink events, I didn’t make any new friends, I didn’t start doing volunteer work with homeless First Nation women. Instead, I was stuck inside like the rest of the world. Was I as scared though? Nah. I have been playing with the idea of death for as long as I can imagine, a flu-virus killing me is less scary than all the other things I have feared for myself, based on real or imagined threats. I belong into risk groups, but no major ones. And I have no issues following recommendations. I am a good girl, yes yes, I am!
But I am also very stuck because of the pandemic. I don’t know if and when I will be able to breathe out and actually start my new life in Canada. I don’t know if and when I will finally be able to make more friends here. And all this stuckness was sort of reflected on my blog too. There was the big world with all its virus-denying morons, and then there was the small blogging world that was falling apart too. And that affected how I looked at what I do, and not only that, it sort of made me question if I belong to the new left or if I don’t (conclusion: I sure as fuck do, I just don’t like bullying people or cancelling those I can still have sensible discussions with. So ideology wise you got me, behaviour wise, I shake my head).
It must have been hard to become a new sexblogger in 2020, and that is why there weren’t tons of them showing up in the community. Things just were so different to when I started this blog in March 2019. Some of the big memes disappeared which made the connections between people weaker. And there was just so so so much drama. But leaving that aside, I also generally started to feel a bit of a lack of motivation to write, and a lot of my focus went to taking pictures instead.
I almost gave up on writing erotica. To be fair, I always found erotica writing to be a little boring. I am a writer, yes, but I like stories and character development and I want there to be philosophical and psychological depth. And you just can’t get that all into a 1500 to 2000 words story that you post on your blog, especially when most of it is devoted to some erotic scenes. I do miss the surge of creativity I felt when writing erotica though, and I am looking forward to some memes coming next year that might be able to prompt me to spend an hour or two a week creating some erotic tension with words.
I love writing reflective texts/ Although I am always worried that I might end up taking too much space for my mental health posts instead of those that are sex related. But looking through the posts I have written this year, a lot of them are about sex, kinks and D/s. I think it is more of a feeling than a reality, that I haven’t written as much about sex as I would have wanted to. A lot of it might be related to that my libido has been so up and down this year. I used to be more consistently horny but there have been weeks this year when I just didn’t feel it, and that makes it more difficult to think or write about sex.
It was easier for me to focus on taking pictures, and with my OnlyFans adventure (which by the way is still ongoing, why don’t you go subscribe!), it made sense that I would put more energy into that. And I must say that I feel like I have grown. I see my photography as art and taking pictures has been a fruitful creative outlet for me. And I loved creating the Sexy Halloween meme. I definitely want to continue to grow with it, and I always have some fun ideas circling in my head.
The last couple of weeks have been a tad harder for me in real life, with December always being the worst month of my year. So I didn’t feel like seeing myself in the mirror, let alone on pictures. But I am confident that with the new year, things are going to look up for me in that area again.
Blogging and Friends
I have generally lost my mojo with my blog a little. It is not like I am in a place where I want to move from it. I am far from that! I still love sex, I still want to talk about sex! And I also still have so much to write about D/s and mental health. It is just that the circumstances have changed and that had made it more difficult for me to stay motivated. My bog is not my priority in my life, but it is important to me, and I am actually quite proud of the work that I have done with it so far. I am in no way ready to abandon ship, I just need to find my way back into consistency. Which is kind of funny coming from me.
I have made some new blogging friends, gotten closer to those who had been in my life for a while and also lost touch with some. As much as the blogging community has fallen apart, I think I have connected with those that I am on the same wavelength with in many ways. I got interviewed, I created a meme and despite everything I still ended up on the several top blogger lists. So I can look positively into the new year when it comes to my blog. I have projects planned and many ideas swirling around in my head.
Bring it on, 2021!
In my private life, there have been some setbacks and my mental and physical health were not always on top. But there have also been some positive developments, like that I am more in touch with my mother and sister, that I have picked up old ways to be creative again and I managed to switch to a healthier lifestyle and stick to it.
There are things in the new year that I am looking forward to: moving to a bigger apartment by the beach and getting a cat again, hopefully finally meeting my mother in real life again after five years and discovering more of the beauty of Canada. And not to mention all the awesome kinks that my Master and I still get to try out. So I am ending this post on a positive note. I am wishing you, all my loyal readers, a wonderful 2021, with a lot of good health, happy moments and dreams coming true. Bye bye, 2020! Let’s kick the new year’s butt!
I am leaving you with my twelve favourite pictures of myself from 2020, one from each month.