30 Days of Submission – Day 30: A Need to be Dominated
Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?
This is an interesting question: Is my need to submit being met? I wonder if I even have a need to submit or if it is rather a need to be dominated. I can’t be submissive without a Dominant. So the first thing I’d need would be someone to dominate me so I can give them my submission. I think my need to be made to submit is stronger than my need to submit.
With being made to submit I mean that I don’t only need a Dominant, but a certain kind of Dominant. I am going into a dynamic knowing that I am the submissive, but my need to be submissive, and to submit, first fully awakes when I meet a Dominant who tickles my mind in the right way. And I would never be able to just submit without powerplay first. I would never want to submit to someone who can’t show me that they are the person who deserves to be submitted to.
So do I have a need to submit? I would call it more an urge or a strong willingness to submit. The real need that I have is to be dominated, and with that follows a need for trust, safety, being used, pain, humiliation, being forced to obey and being guided by someone who I acknowledge and know is my superior in many ways. I have a need to feel that someone wants and can handle my bratty submission. And I can never again imagine being with someone who doesn’t tickle my need and urge for submission out of me.
I never went into a D/s relationship with a need to submit. I went into them with a need to be pushed into submission. My submission gets activated by a Dominant, it is not like it is actively always lingering in the background. For myself, I strongly believe in that consensual and safe submission only exists in combination with consensual and safe dominance. Because I am not a submissive person, I do not have a slave personality. I have a need to be dominated and to be submissive in a consensual dynamic, in the bedroom and outside of it. But I am not submissive with every person that I meet. I am far from that.
I might be different from many other submissives, and that is okay. There is no true way to be submissive, there is no perfect submissive. It is all about what you personally need, what turns you on and what makes you happy. And what makes me happy is based upon different things than it might be for others. I also love the submissive headspace and the sexual subspace. But before I can get there, I need to be overpowered, I need to be shown my place. I need to experience that moment of letting go and sliding into the safety of my submissive role.
So the question for me would more be: do I get my need to be dominated by someone who can provide all the to me, met? Eh. No? I don’t believe in perfect relationships or dynamics, just as little as I believe in perfect submissive or perfect Dominants. I think everything is about compromise, in all dynamics. It is about getting as close to what you need as possible, while also meeting your partner’s needs as much as possible.
The best fit for me would naturally be a strong Dominant, a brat tamer, someone who doesn’t hold back, who loves to punish, who loves to overpower me, show me my place. But at the same time can provide a safe place, can read when to push and when not to push, and who loves the bratty powerplay. So basically a playful strict and sadistic Dom who loves using me whenever they want to but also knows when to focus more on the caretaker role.
See? That sort of person doesn’t exist. I would need consistency. And I would need someone who never deviates from their role, someone who doesn’t get offended by brattiness and someone who is accepting of mental and physical health issues. In theory, the perfect Dominant for me does exist. But in reality? No. Because my need to be dominated is not something that I can meet, it is something that my partner has to meet. And there will always be a dissonance.
So when I say that my need is not met, I mean in an ideal world where all my needs are met in a D/s dynamic. But in reality, most of my submissive needs are being met by the Dominant that I am in a relationship with. For me it is all about trying. He knows he is not perfect and I know I am not perfect. But we try and we communicate. We do our best to meet each other’s needs and to be good for each other. Sure, I wish he was stricter and more consistent. But he probably wishes I was more stable and less petulant. We make it work and I feel that almost all of my submissive needs and my needs to be dominated are met. Or at least acknowledged.
The thing is, we are polyamorous. So if I ever felt that my needs, sexual or submissive, were not met. I could bring it up. And there would probably be an open discussion about looking for a partner that can meet those specific needs. But I don’t feel the need for a discussion like that and that shows me that things are exactly where they are supposed to be in our dynamic.
I am happy in our relationship. And I sometimes even appreciate that I need to wait a few days for a proper spanking, that I have to push and push until he takes over, or that I have to be the obedient submissive at times to please him. All that makes me grow, and it made my needs change too. Rewards are sometimes best if you need to patiently wait for them. Dominance, just like submission, shouldn’t be freely given or be a taken for granted. So it is good that I needed to learn to adapt. Not getting all my needs met, and not always having instant gratification, changed me and improved my submission. I am still the brat, and I will always be. But every now and then I catch myself being the stereotypical submissive, pleasing my Master and blushing when I get to hear the ‘good girl”.
I am doing the 30 Days of Submission meme/challenge (and finishing it a year late. But better late than never!). If you are interested in doing it too, check out this link which has all the questions ready to be used!
You can check my other posts of the series here.