The Vulnerabilities of Honesty – Sharing my Thoughts and Feelings in my D/s
I am a writer. I run this blog, I am writing on a novel, I write letters every day. Most of my days are either spent with a pen in my hand or my fingers flying over a keyboard. But for some reason, I have always found it incredibly difficult to be personal in my writing. I like my feelings and innermost thoughts to be just mine. I find it extremely uncomfortable to share them. There is a sort of protective mechanism in my mind that blocks any attempts of people trying to get into the vault of my emotions and vulnerabilities. I can make people think that I am sharing, but really, I am just choosing my words wisely so some generalized expressions seem like a reflection of my feelings. That is probably one of the reasons why therapy never really worked for me, and why a lot of my relationships in the past felt one-sided. But ever since I have been in a D/s relationship, I have been pushed out of my comfort zone a little. It is expected of me to share and reflect.
The Difficulties of Writing a Diary and Sharing
I have been writing a diary on and off ever since my childhood but it never had anything personal in it. It is all about descriptions of what happened, details about my days. I shortly mention that a day has been good or bad and that I experienced certain emotions. But the moment I try to share some thoughts in depth, I use judgmental language. And that is with myself, with a diary that no one else but me would read. I can’t exactly say why I can’t be honest with myself. There is a barrier that quickly disconnects me from my emotional experience either by judging myself, dissociating from the feelings, or phrasing things in ways that are very rational and objective instead.
Of course this is based on my childhood trauma and later invalidations I had to endure. My feelings and innermost thoughts have been used against me in the past, in various hurtful ways. I also still have this notion of myself as weak and whiny which comes from my father calling me those things and shutting down any emotional expression. In general, this doesn’t bother me very often though, because of the strategies that I have learnt. I shift the conversation towards the other person when talking with someone else. Barely anyone ever notices it.
And in the end, I am someone’s support and they think we are best friends, while they actually know very little about me. Sometimes that is hurtful because I have the same needs that everyone else has: to be heard and supported, to be cared for and that someone shows interest in me. But in the same moment, I wouldn’t even know where to start. And the few times I tried to share, people got overwhelmed and I felt bad for making them feel uncomfortable. So I am back to refocusing conversations and hiding behind my words.
And that is in general not very uncommon in trauma survivors. They don’t feel safe to share and that is okay. Although that is sometimes detrimental to their healing process because they also have a need for support and care. But why can’t I even share and reflect honestly with myself? That is some high level weirdness right there. I’m good with words, I’m good at expressing things. What am I afraid of? Myself? Maybe it is something internal, maybe it is learnt behaviour. But it is frustrating. Not only am I shallow with others, but I am also shallow with myself.
The Importance of Reflecting in my D/s
There is one area in my life where all those things don’t apply: in my D/s relationship. My Master and I started off as friends and we built up a foundation of trust. I feel comfortable sharing everything with him and as he has seen me at my worst and my best. So I am not too ashamed of anything. And it is because of that trust between us, and his need to understand me, that I feel comfortable reflecting about our sexlife and our relationship even online on this blog.
While I write about mental health and physical health and even other issues, my main focus is sex and D/s. And the reason for that focus is definitely because that is the area that I feel most comfortable reflecting in. I think it is a specific need that a lot of Dominants have: knowing how their submissive is feeling, hearing their reflections. It has to do with them needing to figure out where and when it is okay to push, but also to learn how certain play or words, certain behaviour and punishment, make the submissive feel. It is part of the satisfaction from being a Dominant: seeing and knowing the reactions in the submissive. So my blogposts fulfill that need in my Master because he gets to know what is going on with me and how I feel about the things that we do together.
My most personal and honest posts on this blog are my posts on sex, BDSM and D/s. They are maybe not like a diary, and I don’t write about those things every day, but they are the posts I least hold back in. I write those posts for myself, and my Master. I want him to read what I feel and think about different things in our relationship and our sex life. Sometimes I might even express things on my blog that I am too shy to take up in real life.
Part of the pleasure of publishing these posts also lies in seeing his reactions to what I have expressed. Sometimes he laughs, sometimes he cries, sometimes he shakes his head and sometimes my words lead to lengthy discussions. The fact that the words are open and for everyone to read as well, might take away the diary aspect of them. But I see it more as a positive side-effect of sharing my thoughts with my Master. Someone else might be able to relate and feel less alone with their feelings, their needs, their kinks.
My blog is more than just a submissive journal. But it is the one place I express those feelings and thoughts, and can be honest about my submission. It often helps me to write things down to see where I stand in my submission in the moment, what things I still want to work on, if my needs in the D/s have changed and what I want more or less of.
Because my submission and my role in our D/s relationship is the focus in many of my posts on this blog, I don’t feel afraid to be honest and open, reflective and show my feelings. But with every other part of who I am, even when only communicating with myself in a diary, I am unable to do that. Because it feels unsafe and too vulnerable. I can see how reflecting and openness can help improve things, and they have with my relationship. But I don’t seem to be able to break down those walls that automatically push up whenever I try to write about myself when it comes to other areas of my life. I am a writer, but I still don’t really know how to write me.