Our D/s Dynamic needed a Boost again
No relationship is perfect. Mine definitely isn’t. But I am more happy than not when it comes to the way things usually look like for us. A big part of our connection is the D/s dynamic that we agreed on. Sure, it has its ups and downs too. The downs are mainly linked to things that we can’t control and we work through them well. But lately, we have been struggling. It is hard to be a Master to a brat, I get that. And it becomes even more difficult when your submissive struggles with chronic physical and mental health conditions. So it is impossible for me to look for faults or blame. We both need to work hard so our D/s dynamic is going smoothly. And when one of us fails, the other falls down that hole into boring Vanillaville as well.
I need a Dominant to be submissive. I am not submissive in general, and if I am to have that role in a relationship, I can’t be the one to start the game. And I don’t freely give out my submission naturally. I want to be submissive, I have that inside me. It needs to be cultivated and tickled though. But I quickly go into submission if I trust someone and they show me that they are dominant. I need to feel the safety of their dominance. It is about needing to be able to rely on that they know what they are doing and that they are willing to put effort into being my superior in the areas I want them to be just that. Otherwise, I take over.
I have control issues, there is no question about that. Giving up control isn’t easy for me. And I am always vigilant about my Master having the control. If I see that he doesn’t put the effort in, that he is struggling, or that he makes decisions that I deeply disagree with, I take control. It is not like I become the Dominant, but more like I become my own decision maker again. Feeling safe is very important to me, and the smallest change in his dominant behaviour, and I can’t be submissive anymore.
Usually, this is about smaller things and it doesn’t last long. We are taking talk about moments and situations here. Not weeks when our D/s is not working because we pulled each other down that Vanillaville hole. I am quite aware of that I don’t want to be in a vanilla relationship. And if our D/s would be on ice for a longer while, I’d probably be actively poly again. I just need the sexual and emotional challenge that a D/s dynamics brings along. I think my Master feels quite the same.
D/s Struggles and Solutions
Lately, things had been sliding quite badly though. Part of it was that my mental and physical health issues have stopped me from puppetting, as he calls it. I wasn’t able to obey and do what he wanted me to do. He wasn’t doing particularly well either, and started to feel unsure about how much he could push me. He stopped taking the initiative in so many ways. I wasn’t able to give him the submission he craved, and he wasn’t able to give me the dominance I craved. See, there is no fault there. It was just the circumstances that pushed us into old behaviour patterns that we learnt from past relationships (I was the fixer/caretaker, he tried to please).
We don’t have a Master/slave connection to begin with. We are not into protocols and rituals, we are not into silent submission or dominance without ever having to prove yourself. Really, we are more flexible and playful than that. We have to, anyway, due to the fluctuations in my health. And that usually works well for us. But when we both lose our D/s mojo,we don’t have anything to fall back on. The framework is still there, but we don’t have regular routines that would keep the D/s going if we otherwise can’t put a lot of effort into it.
We were both frustrated with the way things were going. I especially disliked that our sex was pretty much vanilla at that point, and he brought up more than once that he felt like the D/s part of our relationship had disappeared. So we eventually had a long discussion about it all. The issues that had brought us to the point we were at, were similar to the ones we often struggle with: my struggles, some circumstances that make him appear weaker than I need him to be, a lack of dominance, and following that a lack of submission.
We had tried to sort those things in the past by putting up rules. But apart from some leftovers, those got forgotten or were not prioritized after a while. For me the main problem has always been the lack of consistency in his dominance, and that is why past rules didn’t work out: he didn’t always enforce them, punishment wasn’t given and I didn’t get the reminders I needed. Honestly, if you let it slip with a brat, the brat is going to run wild!
A New Approach
Instead of giving up, we decided to approach our ever returning issues differently this time. He has now a total insight of what I do every day, and we worked on a daily schedule with different tasks together. We made a pretty spreadsheet (well, I made it pretty!) and there is a daily schedule, from morning to evening, that I am to follow. The good thing about it for me is that I was able to be part of the task setting, and what sort of things I am to do every day. It feels like a new level of accountability which I definitely needed. And he feels more in control now. He knows what I am up to, and he can sort of sign up on things.
The important thing is not so much that I reach every single goal, do every single task that is on that schedule. It is more about that he has a huge say in what I prioritize, and can see where I am struggling more clearly. So he knows now when and where to push, and which things he can let slide when I am struggling. Doing a detailed schedule that he has the last say in, and his interest in me and my every day doings, has given me a great sense of safety and stability again.
After our talk, he started to become more dominant instantly. He now knew what the fix was, and he fixed it. I understand that Dominants can’t always be consistent and I would never blame him for not always doing well or for having to focus on different things in life for a while. But what needs to be understood is that without his dominance, my submission fails. Ever since that talk, our sexlife is back to where it used to be. And he has become stricter and punishes me, which I really needed. Just the other day, he made me strip naked and stand in the corner and not move for five minutes. I had been bratty and petulant and disobeyed an order that was pretty straight – forward. Although I did not enjoy the punishment, I did appreciate that he didn’t let my behaviour slide.
Our new approach is already starting to get tested because of my mental and physical health. I have been doing quite unwell in both regards which often leaves me less prone to just listen and he becomes unsure of when to push. Add to that, that my ability to enjoy sex is quite low at the moment because of my struggles. I usually don’t mind not getting off, and I love to serve him. But he does have a need to see and feel that I am fully into it. Still, I am hopeful. Things are more organized and we both made it fairly clear what our needs are. Bad circumstances or not, we might have found what works for us to keep our D/s dynamic as stable as possible. But only time will tell how well our new approach is going to work in the long run.