My Mental Illness 2019 – A Reflection

My mental illness 2019 - A Reflection
Image from Pixabay

I write quite a lot about mental health and mental illness on my blog. So much indeed, that I sometimes feel the need to hold back a little so this space remain primarily a sexblog, and has only a secondary focus on the fuckery in my mind. So I don’t share much about my day to day struggles, but try to instead do education and awareness posts.

Personal Reflections

Personal reflections around my mental illnesses are still difficult to write for me, for so many reasons. If I write it down, it becomes more real. I also put myself in a vulnerable position. And I am also worried that my mental illness and my struggles would take away from how competent people otherwise assume I am. But as the end of the year is approaching, I think it is a good time to be a bit more vulnerable, to actually talk about how things have been for me.

See, most people expect a reflective post to be about growth, to be about hope, goals for the future. That sort of thing. But I feel like I am stuck and all I have done this year is to survive. Saying that doesn’t take away from that I have had some beautiful moments, and there have been some positive changes in my life. But in general, and especially when it comes to my mental illness, I am incredibly stuck. And there is also no way that things will take a turn for the better any time soon. So more often than not, I am helpless and hopeless.

I often point out that what helps me get through rough times is to focus on that it is just a moment to get through. It is not a forever thing. No feeling, no situation, no pain, lasts forever. Panta rei. No man can step into the same river twice. And you know, it helps. But it makes you lose any concept of future. The few times I try to look ahead, and try to plan ahead, are really just hypocritical moments. I know that any second everything can fall apart for me again.

Fighting with the impossibility of not being able to plan ahead because of my instability. I take every day, every hour, every minute, as they come. I try to get through them, to enjoy them if they are good. Sure, I could take a hedonistic perspective here, focusing on the fun things, not worrying about anything else. But that is just not the kind of person I am. I am a nihilistic existentialist after all. Life is shit, the world is shit, but it is still all we get so we better try to make the best out of it.

My 2019

So. 2019. On paper, that year definitely looks better than the years before did. Those years were spent in psychiatric hospitals, stuck at home, lonely and constantly suicidal. 2019 looked different. I have had a lot more positive moments in my life, I was happy a lot more than I used to be. And the only reason for that is my partner, my husband, my Master. Without him, I doubt I’d even still be alive, to be honest.

I moved to Canada in December 2018, and on Halloween this year we got married. I am not a very romantic person but I totally admit that it was a very happy moment in my life. I love the man, and I am both surprised and feel very lucky, that he decided to commit to me like that. Moving to a new country has brought a lot of excitement into my life. I have been to over 15 concerts, to play parties, to art events, to theme parks, to goth clubs. I have made a friend or two.

It is amazing to have someone to support you in your life. Someone who knows everything about you, and still enjoys being with you. The sex we have is absolutely fantastic. In his company I feel safe. He is my anchor. He is my fucking everything. And he encouraged me when I started this blog. He is proud of me when I get through a rough time. He is grateful when I am able to function for a while and can contribute to our life in various ways.

But moving to a new country also brought a whole lot of instability into my life. He is the only person I have, the only person I trust. I don’t have a psychiatrist or a therapist. That means that I have no one to prescribe medication to me. I have no close friends. I am totally dependent on him, for everything. The residency application is lengthy and complicated. I don’t have a work permit. I don’t have the security to know that I can actually stay here.

And worst of all for someone like me: I don’t have any health insurance. I have many chronic mental and physical illnesses, and I have no doctor. No one to follow up with me. And I have to think twice before going to a doctor because I have to pay everything out of pocket. This is so different to how my life in Sweden was. I had free healthcare, free meds, I had disability money. It feels like very unstable circumstances, and it affects me greatly.

And the worst thing for me is the total dependency on my Master. Now, as a submissive, you might think it is not something that I’d oppose to: my Master taking care of me financially. But I hate to be financially dependent on anyone, it is quite a huge trigger for me, actually. Also, I don’t understand the Canadian system, I don’t know shit about life here. If my Master disappeared, I’d be homeless in a week, no kidding. This total dependency on him, is absolutely scary.

Having this blog has definitely given me a sort of purpose in life. I have a routine in writing, I have made friends, I love doing this. It is one of the few things in my life, that makes me think of a “future”. I have plans for my blog and my writing next year, and I am actually all excited about it. I feel competent, I feel appreciated. And it is fun. But there is also pressure. I always compare myself to others, I get upset when something that I worked hard on doesn’t get attention. If I sense the slightest discontent coming from another blogger, I ger worried that they secretly hate me. And don’t even get me started on Imposter Syndrome.

So the circumstances of my life are kind of mixed at the moment. There are positives and improvements from how things used to be just a year ago. But there is also more instability around me, and the security and support network that I had in Sweden is gone. I can see though: not all is bad. But those are just the circumstances and things happening in my life. My mental illness is a story for itself.

A Day in My Life

My mental illnesses have been roaming free and have been out of control. I don’t share much about my daily struggles on this blog, but oh boy, there have been and still are a lot of daily struggles. Let’s take a look at what my mental illnesses have been like today, shall we?

I got 90 minutes of sleep last night. Yes, you read right. 90 minutes. The last two months I have not even once slept more than four hours in a row and those hours were not uninterrupted, or even during night time. There are a few things to blame for my insomnia. I have been tapering down both sleeping pills and sedatives. I am now literally on no medication at all for my mental illnesses. Without those meds, I don’t sleep. The withdrawal from the medication is also absolutely terrible. I have incredibly high anxiety during night time due to my trauma. I have nightmares and I am even hypervigilant when I sleep.

And then, oh boy, I also have bipolar disorder. In November I had a bout of hypomania but right now I am in a mixed bipolar episode. They are the worst thing you can imagine: you want to burn the world, you want to kill yourself, you want to self-harm, you want to constantly fuck, you want to just hide and cry. It is an overwhelming mess. So basically: I don’t sleep. (It is past 6 AM as I write this, and I have not been to bed).

It is Saturday and my Master is at home. I feel quite okay and decide that we should try to get some Christmas grocery shopping done. That is more complicated for me than it is for others, because of my diabetes. So I spend a couple of hours finding recipes for vegetarian keto-friendly Christmas food that resembles what I used to eat in Europe during this time of the year. I take my thyroid meds and while I take a shower, my Master makes me something to eat. I write a shopping list, get ready and eat my omelette.

And off we go. The moment we are out of the house, I start switching uncontrollably. My Dissociative Identity Disorder is out of whack when I don’t sleep and am more anxious. Different alters (mostly littles) ask my partner over and over where we are going, and make him promise that we are not going to the hospital (one of our biggest fears). He mentions the dentist. Boom. Triggered. We have been dealing with a thing. A health thing. I don’t want to go into details to not trigger the shit out of myself again. It is a lot related to health anxiety, actual health issues, fear of doctors, fear of dying a terribly painful death, and the littles’ biggest fear: dying alone.

We become more aware of the health issue and start freaking out internally, but try to not scold Master for it. He means well. We are just easily triggered, and we really don’t want to die a terrible death in Sweden by all ourselves. Because if what we have is bad, then we need to go back to Sweden to get treatment. We have no health insurance here. So we avoid going to the doctor. Because dying a terrible death here, is better, because we wouldn’t be alone. Anxiety and catastrophic thinking at its best.

We go to a tea shop to get some lose tea. We love drinking lose tea. An adult is out and deals with the clerk. An ironic hipster dude with a mighty mustache. A little comes out when she sees a cup with a kitty print. We are embarrassed and want to leave the store as soon as possible. Said health issue is in the back of our mind all the time now. On to the next store, a liqour store. They don’t have what we were looking for.

Then a home improvement place. We need mason jars and screws to hang up a mirror. We find the mason jars. But Master takes a long time to find what screws are needed. We start to panic. There are so many people in the store, so so many people. Heart rate is going up. Cold sweaty. Fear of making a fool of ourselves by passing out in the middle of a store on the weekend before Christmas. We find an empty aisle and hide between boxes. So we sit down and hug our knees. We are shaking. The littles like to hide when they are scared. Master didn’t notice our absence. After a few moments everything around us seems far away and we don’t feel anything at all anymore. We are confused about where we are. Dissociation. We find Master, he notices our distress and calms us down.

And on to the next store. Well, first some coffee. The lack of sleep is really showing, the body is weak. We burn our tongue and switch a lot. Embarrassing. Scared of a terrible death. Two minutes at Whole Foods and we lose Master in the crowd. We panic. So many people. No money. We know no one. We hide by the almond milk, sit down. And wait. We send messages to Master, he finally responds and finds us. He is now vigilant and doesn’t leave us out of his sight. 90 minutes at the store and we find everything we need. We are supposed to eat a snack because we have unmedicated diabetes and need to eat every three hours. But we push it away. We need to suffer because we have been misbehaving. No food for us.

Finally at home. Unpacking everything. The mind is racing (hello bipolar disorder!) and we can’t calm down. So we start pickling stuff. We bake cookies. We keep busy busy. Ordering in some food from Chipotle. They messed up the order and made it extra spicy. Nap time. We fall asleep, Master too. Waking up to his snoring and incredible pain from the health issue. We don’t dare to move to not wake him up. But the mind is racing and anxious. Eventually we go to the bathroom and hide, and google health related things. Fucking triggered. Breakdown. Tears, tears, tears. Self-blame, emotional flashback. We are suicidal. Really suicidal. He takes care of us, hugs us, sits with us.

Something switches and we refresh our make-up and decide to take pictures for Sinful Sunday. It is fun, fun to be naked and close to him. One thing leads to another and we have a great sex session, with exactly what we both need. Covered in cum, we breathe out. Master is going to bed, we work on the pictures and then try to distract. And here we are. This is what my life looks like.

My mental illnesses have been out of control this year. Bipolar disorder with no medication. C-PTSD, DID and GAD without any therapy. It is out of control. And there is no improvement ahead of me. I don’t know when I will get health insurance. And even when I have the insurance, it can take months if not years to find family doctors, to find psychiatrists and therapists that are trauma informed. So I am just going to continue with what I have been doing: Moments. Fucking moments.

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16 Responses

  1. Mrs Fever says:

    I just want to tell you that think you are an excellent writer. Despite the (expressed) content conundrum, your style is engaging. You share quite a few complicated vulnerabilities here, and in clear detail – despite perhaps having been thinking/writing through fog – that is, despite the twists and turns, quite easy to follow.

    I think, as a reader, that your choosing to write the realities of your mental health struggles in this blog space in no way diminishes your voice as a sex blogger. I appreciate reading and learning about multiple facets of people’s lives; no one is ever only ONE thing, and understanding more about your life overall adds to my understanding when I read about the sex(y) aspects of your life.

    So thank you for writing, so openly and honestly, about the various brilliant facets of the diamond that is YOU. 🙂

    I’m so glad to have discovered your blog this year, and I look forward to what/ever you choose to share in 2020. 🙂

    • Thank you so very much for your kind and thoughtful comment. it can be difficult to find the balance in confidence and vulnerability. I want to write about mental health and mental illness. Not so much because I have a need to talk about my own struggles (I find it hard to talk about those), but to educate and make those who also struggle, feel less alone.

      And you are so right, there is always more to a person than just one fact or trait or interest. I just always have the fear that my blog would turn into a space about my struggles instead of a space for sex positivity. But yeah, why can’t it be both, really? I am more than one thing, after all.

      I really appreciate your words! Thank you <3

  2. I can relate so much to what you’re describing here in terms of how the only way I can live with my situation (though it feels weird to call it that because I immediately want to say that it’s not all that bad and shouldn’t be regarded as such) is by living in the absolute present. If a day is bad I write it off and try again tomorrow. But I can’t think about the future. Someone asked me how I keep on going, what drives me to stay alive despite suicidal thoughts and all I can say is that I don’t know but manage by living only in the present. I think living in the present is very beneficial in that it allows me personally to enjoy a lot of small moments, like smelling the air when there is a change of seasons. Having lunch somewhere with a friend. Winning a football match. But it makes planning anything a little problematic. The future feels so bleak. It feels that every time I try something and keep on fighting there’s instantly something that ruins it again and so nothing feels ever stable. But then how can you start building a house if every time you start on a wall it instantly crumbles?
    I’m sorry this got so very long!

    I’m a bit shocked to find out you don’t have health insurance over there and no access to a psychiatrist or therapist and also can’t get the medication you probably need.

    I hope you can find more stability as time moves forward. I can imagine how scary it must feel to have that total dependency. But I guess when you move to an entire new country where everything is arranged very differently to the previous country you lived in, it takes some time to settle in and get things going. It’s very brave of you to have taken that step to move and to literally start over completely, in that sense.
    I really hope you will be able to get health insurance and medication. It sounds awful having to deal with all of this when your only support system is your master.

    • Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful comment. I am sorry to hear that you are forced to take on a similar perspective on life as I do. Most people don’t understand how the thought of “future” can be triggering and make someone panic, instead of bring hope and motivation. Living in the present, in the moment, is still living. And at least it doesn’t waste time and effort put into things that are going to lead disappointments later. And the present can have beauty, and happiness. And it is definitely easier to get through a hard moments because you are not focused on if there are going to be more of those, or if it might last forever and make your life miserable. So it is not all bad, focusing on the now. But it makes it harder to plan, to work towards goals and to maybe have a “future” that others would find acceptable.

      I have no choice but to continue to try to to survive and take it as it comes. The health insurance might sort itself out eventually, or not. My health might deteriorate. It might not. I don’t want to think about it. I do the little things I know i can do, to not make it worse. I do what is required of me. And enjoy the small moments that bring me joy. Until i can’t anymore.

      Thank you for your words, I really appreciate it <3

      • It certainly sounds like you’re doing the best you can and that’s incredible. I hope one day you’ll have to fight a little less hard than you currently have to all the time.

        I also understand why it’s better for you to live where you are without medication in terms of how you say that at least you’re not alone now. And you’d rather die that way, if it were to come to that (how bleak haha). I would have made the same choice.

        Keep it up. I’m happy you’re not alone! it ❤

  3. I want to echo what Feve said: if you write about your mental health and your daily struggles it doesn’t take away from you being a sex blogger, and it does help us to understand mental health issues better. We can learn from what you write. I have learned a lot this year from the posts you have shared, especially when they were about your mental health.

    I hope in 2020 you can get health insurance and the meds you need.

    Thanks for sharing, Devie!

    Rebel xox

    • Thank you, Marie <3 This is such a great compliment: that my writing about mental health actually can help people to learn more about things, and maybe raise some awareness about mental illness. I guess mental health posts have a space on a sexblog, because it is part of who I am too. I am not just all about sex and kink after all. I really appreciate your kind words <3

  4. Sweetgirl says:

    thank you for sharing this DS. I can appreciate it was hard for you. I want to reiterate what Rebel and Feve have said – writing about mental illness does not stop you from being a sex blogger. You are writing about you and this has big impact on every aspect of your life.

    I hope you do get the medical insurance sorted out and that you are able to navigate your way around the Canadian systems so you feel more confident and in control.

    I wish you all good things for 2020 and beyond xx

    • Thank you so much, Sweet! I guess i just would want to come across as competent and stable, and I am always worried that my mental health posts take away from building that kind of image of myself. I really appreciate your kind words! <3

      • Sweetgirl says:

        What makes you think we would love you less or more if you were more or less “competent and stable”??

        DS we all enjoy your work because it’s you, unfiltered and raw.

        Don’t hide any part of yourself for us. We want you for who you are, every part, even the dark and twisty parts ❤

  5. SassyCat says:

    I’m proud to admit that reading your posts I have learned more about mental illness and mental health (not just yours but in general). I’ve said it before that I really enjoy reading your posts. Thanks so much for continuing to share & write.
    I truly hope that you are able to get some health benefits soon, that you will be able to find the medical staff that works best for you & your health.
    Take each day as it comes.
    Happy Holidays.

    • Thank you, Cat! I like when people learn something from what I write, or what I write makes them reflect them upon things. So what you said was the best compliment ever!
      I will definitely take each day it comes.
      Happy Holidays to you too <3

  6. Reading your posts provides a lot of insight, especially posts like this that describe the struggles you experience. So much is laid out as matter of fact and explained in a clear and wonderful style. We know you from the honesty of your writing and we engage because of who you are, rather than a glossy facade. So many people appreciate all the facets of you and really hope that 2020 will provide progress on the paths you are seeking.

    🌹🌹

    • Thank you so much for your kind words, Melody, I always appreciate your comments. I try to explain things in a way that they are not confusing to those who might not understand complex mental illness. I wish you all the very best for 2020 too, and I hope life is going to bring you many wonderful moments <3

  1. January 1, 2020

    […] well in tandem, but if you’d like a place to start with one or the other, I’d recommend My Mental Illness — 2019 Reflection for the former or Nasty Snow Angel for the latter. […]

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