Control in D/s – Ambiguity of Emotions
I have always been a control freak. I need to know the whats and whys, to make sure that I feel safe. It has a lot to do with hypervigilance coming from anxiety and past trauma. I know that. Being in control translates into feeling safe for me. I know how to escape a situation, I know how to solve a problem, there are not going to be any unplanned situations coming my way. And because of that strong need to be in control to feel safe, I often take over. I guide others, I lead projects, I acquire competence so I can excel and make the decisions. When something happens that is out of my control, or I imagine something that I can’t control, I panic. My anxiety kicks in and I either avoid the situation or I try to take over. So that makes it is really difficult to give up control in my D/s relationship.
What I need to be able to let someone else take control
Now, all that might make it seem like I’d be a terrible submissive in a D/s relationship. And at times I am definitely not doing a great job at being obedient and reliably submissive. But those moments only occur when I don’t feel safe. And for me to feel safe with someone else guiding me, with being in control, is when I can trust their judgment, I know they are superior to me in one way or another and when they are able to create a safe space. I need a strong and consistent Dominant that sticks to enforcing rules and boundaries.
That is where my bratty side comes in. It is kind of like constantly testing if the person that I am with actually meets the requirements for me to feel safe enough to give up control. I need to know that they want to dominate and guide me. There needs to be the right vibe and chemistry between us. I need to know that they don’t allow me to take over, that they have no issue to fight me over control and take it. For me to feel safe to give up control, I need to be with someone who is strong enough to take the control away from me, and who doesn’t mind to be consistent with their strength and dominant behaviour.
Reasonably, that is not something that I can expect from anyone. Bad days happen, sickness happens, instability in circumstances happens. And that is okay. Ideally, I’d be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t let their dominant side be affected by those things. But I don’t want to be with a robot, I want to be with a human being. (oh, great business idea: build a Dom bot! Someone make that happen, haha).
So why would I even want to be in a D/s relationship where I allow someone else to be in control, and actively work on being more submissive and obedient? It sounds like giving up control is a hard thing for me to do after all. The reason is quite simple: I have tried it and letting my Master take control has been the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. It is like finally being able to breathe out, to relax, to not worry. And it is the safest I have ever felt. It is the most wonderful place to be in. I feel like I can be myself when my Master is in control.
I think this also very closely linked to trust. When I give up control, I show that I trust someone enough to keep me safe, and to respect my boundaries. It is like having written a contract and knowing that all parties will abide by its content. I had never been able to fully trust someone, but I do so with my Master. I trust him. And that is very huge for me. So it is not only about letting him take control of me, my body and my mind, but it is also about the knowledge that I trust him fully.
In the bedroom
In the bedroom this works quite well for us. I sometimes worry that I am too passive, that I am maybe not doing enough. Being the one in control means guiding, actively making decisions, administering pain and humiliation, knowing what to do. I am not saying that I am a dead fish in bed, god no. I am quite engaged in many ways. But I feel like I am often the one waiting, the one receiving something. I think being in that position can sometimes make me feel uncomfortable and confused because I am not used to be the one that is not in control.
It is beautiful, being under the control of another person that you can trust. Knowing that you are pleasing them by trusting them enough to let go, that by allowing them to take the lead and wait for their guidance, their needs are being met. When it comes to sex and play, this is something that I very much enjoy and that I don’t struggle with doing. I always give up control to my Master in play.
And because I know how amazing it feels to let my Master be in control, I of course have the strong urge for him to do so in the areas outside the bedroom too. But it becomes more complicated there. When it comes to sex, it is very limited to certain activities. The decisions being made are not important to life in general. But in other areas, I still very much hold on to a feeling of agency. I want to be able to feel safe, and my hypervigilant and anxious brain doesn’t believe that other options than hiding and avoiding help when things become stressful.
It is really a battle in my mind when it comes to giving up control in other areas of life. I have the need to be in control to feel safe, but that need is based on anxiety. And I know that giving control to my Master makes me feel relaxed, safe and free. But it doesn’t always translate in my brain into that. Not having agency instead can throw me into a panic if it is in the wrong moment.
I think the solution to tackling that problem lies in fleshing out areas and situations where it feels safest to give up control even outside the bedroom and slowly help me ease into a more submissive mindset. And I know that there are situations when I already naturally let him take over. Hopefully we will be able to work towards expanding the control he has over me.
Control is such an ambiguous thing for me. Having control makes me feel safe. Not being in control in the bedroom is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. I really want to feel that way all the time, safe, cared for, and totally trusting the person who is in control. Maybe my brain will one day allow for that to happen.