My Experiences on Social Media as a Sexblogger
I know that a lot of people get very much influenced by what they see on social media. There is this idea that we are all sitting at home lonely, scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, only to be reminded of how little our lives seems fun and worthy in comparison to what others seem to be experiencing. I don’t see it that way. I am very much aware of that for most people, social media is to show the most beautiful version of themselves.
Representations and Social Media
My favourite philosopher, Slavoj Zizek, tends to speak a lot about representation. With that he means that we all represent a version of ourselves to the world. The version we want others to see or believe. Our authentic selves are never really seen, because no one shows themselves absolutely unfiltered to the world. You decide how you act, you decide what you show, you decide which version of yourself you want others to see. For some that is closer to their authentic selves, for others it is very far away from it. And that is okay. What he is basically saying is that we are in control of how the world perceives us. He kind of links that to that everyone has a sobstory,
He often uses the example of Hitler. Now, we perceive him as an evil leader, mass murderer and basically modern history’s bad guy. Right? Because he chose to do certain things, and hide others. If Hitler had told the world himself how hurt and bullied he was as a child, how he felt rejected, then we would have perceived him differently today, Maybe a rejected inner child acting out, or something in that direction. But he didn’t choose to share his childhood traumas with the world. Hence, whatever happened during his childhood shouldn’t much change our perception of who he was. He chose his representation and a hidden sobstory is not going to change that.
Social media is similar. If you act like a trolling idiot or a misogynistic asshole and that is all you do and what you show yourself as, then that is what I read you as. You decide how you act, you decide what kind of face you want to show to the world. I can’t validate your pain if you don’t tell me your pain. The same goes for everyone who is just showing the shiniest version of themselves on social media. If all you show me are your filtered and photoshopped pictures, the healthy food you eat, the inspirational quotes you live by, the video of your child walking for the first time, you create an image of your life.
It is your choice that you are doing that. And it is okay. I am happy that you have found a version of yourself that you want to show to the world, and that you are comfortable with! Seeing it as agency changed my perspective of social media.
And this is exactly the reason why I rarely feel bad or jealous when I see the “happy” lives of others on Facebook or Instagram. It doesn’t affect my mental health negatively. I understand that this is the version of themselves they want to show the world. It is not their authentic self though, and that is okay. Because you know what? No one in this world lives the perfect life. No Kardashian does, no princess does, and your cousin doesn’t either.
My Personal Social Media Accounts
I choose the version that I show of myself on social media too. I am not totally true to myself. On my personal Facebook I show more of my pain, but mostly wrapped in sarcastic humor. I post a lot of things on mental health advocacy, but also music I like. I can get very political, and I also post the pretty side of my life: pictures, concert reviews, happy moments.
I rarely share my raw pain, I just don’t feel comfortable with it. I have friends who do that though, and I don’t judge them. I support them. I am okay with them sharing that more authentic version of themselves, just as much as I am okay with those friends of mine who want to showcase a shiny and happy life. I rarely run into trouble on my personal social media. I am sometimes more active, I am sometimes silent. I often scroll through my feed mindlessly when I am struggling. Kitty videos and make up tutorials make me feel better!
Being a Sexblogger on Social Media
My sexblog related social media is a totally different story. Twitter, Instagram and Fetlife are the places where I am working in my niche. Now I say working. With that I mean that I only show a limited side of myself (figuratively, because literally I show way more, ha!). I want to appear professional in my role, and I don’t want to put any potential readers off. So I am very selective with what I share about myself, my mental health advocacy is there but not prominent, my personal life is a bit more blurry. I feel a different kind of vulnerability in the social media profiles that are linked to my sexblog.
I want to exclude Fetlife here a bit. It is a very accepting space and although random horny men contact me, that is to be expected. It is Fetlife, a lot of people are there for hook ups, and I know how to ignore the “what’s up babe” -messages. Also, they can’t send pictures in private messages there, which makes it all much easier. I don’t use my Fetlife to primarily promote my blog. I use it more to share pictures, I want the attention. And to find out about local events. It is a fun place and I have made quite a few friends there.
Disrespect and Unsolicited Dick Pics
Twitter and Instagram are different. I am not in the accepting kink community. Instead, I am posting pictures and links to my blogposts in a mainstream place where respect and decency seem to be a little less prominent. I have tried to explain it away for a while. I am goth which is interesting for many men. I am posting naked or half-naked artsy pictures sometimes. I talk openly about how much I love sex. But you know what? All those things don’t make it okay to treat me with disrespect.
What I had expected were a lot of attacks about my weight and my mental health. That actually hasn’t happened even once so far. I am surprised but I am also vigilant, I know it will happen. But instead I am drowning in dick pics and inappropriate messages. On my blog I just don’t approve any overtly sexual messages. Yes, I get the “I want to jizz all over your tits”-comments. I get the “I want to fuck that needy ass”-comments. I delete them. It is okay, it is a public domain and there is a public comment section.
But what really really bothers me and makes me feel violated are the direct messages I get on Twitter and Instagram. I get dick pics every day. Unsolicited dick pics. I get messages of guys telling me what they want to do with a slutty sub like me. I get asked to dom them (I am not a Domme, grrr). I get messages that are very much violating my boundaries on a million levels. It is so fucking uncomfortable, you can’t even imagine.
I know how to handle those messages. I don’t engage. I block and then I am done with it. But it leaves me feeling uncomfortable nevertheless. Yes, I like to be objectified, yes, I like to be used. But on my terms, in a framework I consented to. I don’t want to see random dicks every day. I don’t want to know what guys want to do to me. Nowhere do I encourage anyone to start sex chats with me, nor to send me nudes. I am instead very much for ethical cum tributes that are based on consent from both parties.
When Friends Find My Sexblog Social Media
Another icky situation that I have encountered more than once is when people who know me from real life either find my blog or my sexblog related social media. I am not hiding, I mean, I show my face in a lot of my pictures. I am not ashamed for being sexblogger. But there is a little bit of an icky feeling when people I know from school times or volunteer work find my naked pictures or read about my sex life. An old friend from highschool is one of my biggest fans. He sometimes writes to me on Facebook and gives me compliments on my pictures, in a very respectful way. While I appreciate his support and the way he conveys his appreciation, I sometimes have to shake off a bit of an uncomfortable feeling.
And then there was this situation with my one friend from Sweden, someone I used to be quite close to, someone I shared a lot of things with for a time. And she judged me badly for what I am doing. She sent me a very judgmental message on Instagram that really felt like a stab in my heart. I couldn’t believe that someone who I consider a friend and who I thought was open minded, would be such a closed-minded person. It hurt. Badly.
I decided to take that fight though, in my own way. While I didn’t respond to her, I decided to post more explicit pictures, to continue to do what I am doing. I don’t care who judges me. I am sex positive. I am kink positive. I am trying to learn to love my body. I am enjoying sex and BDSM. And no one can take that away from me.
We all decide how we present ourselves on social media. And that means that everyone picks the filter that makes them feel most comfortable. It doesn’t mean that it is their authentic self. So why should I compare my authentic self with their shiny representations? What you share on social media, on personal accounts or NSFW accounts, can make you vulnerable. For me it is important that I make conscious choices there. That doesn’t mean that I have to accept people breaking my boundaries or being judgmental cunts. I have a right to be treated with respect and consideration, even and especially as a sexblogger.