Subspace and Online Sex – How to Submit when there is no Touch
Online sex. There are a lot of reasons to why someone would engage in sexual activities online. It could be that you are shy in real life, you are bored on a Saturday night, you are in a long distance relationship or you live somewhere where it is difficult to find people who share your fetishes and kinks. Whatever it might be, there are still many misconceptions around online sex, it being fake, not as satisfying as real life sex or it just being for pathetic people who are not able to score in real life.
Here is the thing: of course it lacks the physical level, you can not touch the other person’s body, they can not touch yours. Yes. That one is obvious. But that does not mean that your mind can not be tickled and that you can not get satisfied. BDSM sex seems so very physical to a lot of people that they forget the mind-level, they forget that it isn’t only about physical control, but it can also be about giving up control without actual physical restraints. I can have anyone do something to me physically, but someone getting me to do things to myself? That is a totally different kind of control. That is a mind subspace, a space I sometimes even prefer to the physical one.
As with all sexual encounters, this is about consent and trust. Sex is always about being vulnerable with another person and online the risks might not be sexual abuse, but the risks can be exposure, for instance. Whatever you share with someone, might it be pictures, videos or words, can be used against you. I have been there, I have been harrassed by someone with the help of such things.
So choose wisely who you engage with! I personally only engage sexually with people I have known for a while, who know me well, and who I know I can submit to. We all have things that we need to be able to submit, or to dom. I need a space where I feel safe and there is some kind of connection, to be able to go there. For some that might not be needed, but safety should always come first.
One thing I have realized is that getting into subspace is almost impossible for me through text messages (unless I am under hypnosis, but that is different). I need to hear someone’s voice, I need their gaze on me, I need to be able to see their eyes, their facial expressions. So I prefer video calls , where I can see the other person in real time. There are a lot of platforms who offer that, some better than others. An audio call can also work, but a video call is as close to the real thing as you could get online, without the actual physical touch. Sexting can be good foreplay though, or just testing the waters if someone is also interested in some play at the moment.
What is subspace for me? Subspace for me is a space in my mind where I let go of control and give that control over my body and mind to another person. It is not something that I lightly give up, but something that is to be earned. I need the powerplay beforehand, I need the brattiness from my side, I want them to take control from me, and to show me that they are worthy of taking that control.
Subspace can be an almost trancelike state for me where all that matters is my Doms/Masters words and commands. It can be a space where I am so aroused that I lose myself through the words and actions of my Dom/Master. It is a space where I am absolutely focused on what the other person does to me, and where I give up who I am and what I think, to become their puppet, their doll to play with. It is a place of bliss and freedom, a place where I can be me without being me anymore.
SO HOW DO YOU GET THERE?
Safety, trust and video calls. The better you know each other in play already, the better it works. Subspace is a mindspace and the physical part comes second, at least that is how it works online because the physical part is not possible as it would be in real life. Once all that is clear, you got someone you trust, you have your webcam all set up and you know what subspace is for you, how do you get there? How can your Dom get you there? We are all individuals but I thought I’d share some things that have worked well with me and my Doms. Again, those are people I trust, they know my limits, they know how I click and we have our specific dynamics. They know what turns me on and what makes me want to submit.
Fighting for Power – Teasing
I am a brat. I tease someone until they want to take control. This can happen through mindgames, manipulation or just questioning their skills. It could be something simple as saying no to a simple request. “Shouldn’t you be going to bed in an hour? – “No. Who are you to tell me what to do?” – BOOM and you got their focus, you triggered their dominant side and they will try to show that they actually are the one to tell you what to do.
It is quite amusing to see how the facial expressions in a Dom’s face change when they want to take control. You know that exciting times are ahead! And once you got the to and fro going, you will just slip more and more into subspace. Of course you want them to tell you what to do, but you won’t have them get it that easily, eventually you give up more and more of your power and before you know it, you will be on your back, naked, moaning: Yes, Master, my cunt belongs to you!”
Giving me Sudden Commands
We all have commands that turn us on. Sometimes it is certain ways someone touches us. It could also be a specific fetish. I love when someone gives me a command out of nowhere and I get absolutely confused and instantly turned on. Let me give you two examples. I like both degradation and I am a masochist. My Master all of the sudden telling me to take off my clothes is such a confusing thing. I am often just saying: no! But they get my attention, my focus. And after one or two more assertive repeats of the command, I suddenly am posing naked in front of the camera, aroused and waiting for the next command like a well-trained puppy, being objectified and used for my Master’s entertainment.
A more physical way is to tell me what to do to myself. This of course with consent and knowing each other’s limits. One of those things is when my Master all of the sudden tells me to slap my face. In real life this puts me into subspace right away. Online I am struggling first, to actually have someone tell me to do that to myself, but again, a few repeats in a more assertive way, and I am doing it. I am both swearing and moaning when I lift my hand and slap my face while my Master is watching me. And subspace here I come!
Addressing me in a Certain Way
In most D/s dynamics, you agree on certain ways to address each other. It works just the same online, when your Dom/Master/Sir/Daddy addresses you as their sub, you know play time is starting. Just hearing those titles can be a good way to get into subspace, especially in combination with sudden commands. Hearing a “Whore?” or “Babygirl?” (depending on who I am with or what I need at the moment. Again, someone who knows you, can read your mood and knows what works best for you in the moment) makes my mind refocus and prepares me for subspace or even makes me slide into subspace slowly.
Good Girling me
I am a sucker for “Good girl!”. It is not about anyone saying that, it is about hearing it from someone who matters, someone who I want to please, someone who I want to make proud. If I am telling them about my day, and they good girl me for something, I get a big smile on my face but I also start going “Mmmmm” in my mind, wanting more! I want to please them more, I want to hear it again, I want to feel that warm and fuzzy feeling of having done a good job! My mind slowly slips into a space where that is all I want, pleasing someone by doing what they want me to do, by letting them use me, hurt me, degrade me. Good girl can become a (healthy? lol) addiction and can have the same effect on you as it has in real life.
Making me Get Lost
Let’s say you are just hanging out, or talking about something totally unrelated to D/s dynamics or sex. And suddenly they get that certain facial expression when you know that they want to dom you, they want to have playtime. This works really great with people you have known for a while, where you can read their facial expressions well. They get that certain gaze, that look and all they do is stare at you. First you get uncomfortable and don’t know where to look. It is like they are staring into your mind. And eventually you can not help yourself but stare back. Total silence. Locked into each other’s eyes, and both slowly sliding into a space where all that matters are the D/s-dynamics. On certain days that is all that is needed for me, on others this in combination with addressing me in a certain way and giving commands, does the trick.
Erotic hypnosis works really well online if you can focus. For that you need someone who actually knows how to practice erotic hypnosis, has read up on it and knows how to use it in a BDSM context. I am not going into detail about it here because it is not something that works for everyone, but if it does, you can come on command and get lost very easily, you can slide into subspace within seconds if the two of you have done this a few times.
So there you go! Getting into subspace online, without the other person physically touching you, is possible, and there is more than one way to get there, depending on what you like and what your D/s-dynamics look like. What you can do once you are in the space, well, that depends on what you like doing!