Of Purpose Balloons, Quality Of Life and Landmarks
The moment you look at back your life, pondering about what you have achieved so far, can be both satisfying and disappointing. I find the idea of planning things ahead in meticulous detail a treacherous path to walk on. I can relate to the need to have control over our lives and possible outcomes. Unfortunately, more often than not, unexpected things happen, and you need to change the direction of your life. Avoiding that, I focus on general ideas instead. It doesn’t matter if I have to change my path, the overlapping purpose of my life does not need to change. I might have to use different tools to still hold on to the string of my purpose balloon, but it will never fly away.
To me personally, a landmark is an important event that has changed me, my life and the path I walk on, in a specific way. They are important moments that I will always remember as something life-changing, something that I might be proud of: a decision that led to longer periods of happiness, moments where I felt in my element, moments that were a turning point for me. Moments or events that have somehow been linked to my general purpose or have impacted my quality of life in tremendous ways, positively or negatively, and sometimes both.
Purpose in Life and Achievements
My purpose in life has always been to make other people think and reflect. In extension, that means making the world a better place for them individually, and for humanity as a whole. No, I don’t want to become a messiah, a guru, or even a philosopher. Although I must admit that the philosopher idea had spooked inside my mind for a while. I just want to make the world a better place, and I want people to be more self-aware of who they are, of their choices, and the good they deserve and can do. And that can be in all sorts of areas!
I studied to become a highschool teacher for a while, was close to start working and teaching in academia years later and I worked in mental health as a community leader for four years. And now my focus is sex blogging! Doing those things, improved and improve my quality of life. None of those have been my goals, they just happened because they were possibilities on the path I was already walking on. Still, at the time, they changed my life, impacted me greatly and reminded me of my purpose in life. So those are the landmarks that I have achieved, that I put my effort and energy into: studies, teaching, helping and supporting others, and writing.
There were a few events in my life that were sad turning points. What happened was out of my control, that is why they felt particularly devastating. The first one was the death of my grandfather. He died quite young, at the age of 62. I was still a child when he passed away and I wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral because my parents thought it would be too traumatizing for me. My grandfather was the only safe person for me when growing up. Although he didn’t know anything about the abuse that was going on in my life, being around him gave me space to breathe, time to be myself. He was very supportive, he sparked my passion for reading and writing. He accepting of who I was. His death was a sad turning point for me because things got worse for a long time. He had been my rock, and now I was floating alone in the tar of hell. I still miss him dearly.
Another such sad instance was the passing of my friend Jenny. We had been close for many years, she had just gotten married and given birth to her second child. She was only 29 years old when she died of a heart attack due to complications with an underlying chronic health issue. I was heartbroken. It happened at a time in my life where my mental health had already taking a turn for the worse, and her death really broke me. I had to be hospitalized in a psych unit for the first time in my life.
The thread here is death, sadly. My best died three years ago, at the age of 49. Anette was the one person that knew everything about me, the one person that I felt closest to in the whole world. She died of lungcancer. She got to the ER because she could barely breathe, got diagnosed with terminal cancer and died five days later. I have never gotten the chance to say goodbye to her. I still often feel very lost without her. The cause of her death, the lungcancer, made me rethink some of the health choices I had made in my life and ever since then I have tried to live a more healthy life. I am still riddled with health anxiety combined with a terrible fear of doctors though, so any real health concerns are not really being addressed.
The first two categories of landmarks were about my achievements and sad events I had absolutely no control over. There have been some turning points where I made active decisions that impacted my life in various intense ways. Those decisions were attempts to improve my life, and fortunately enough, they often did just that.
As I have already mentioned in some of my other blogposts, I have had an abusive childhood. At the age of 14, I made the decision to stand up to one of the main abusers in my life: my father. He was trying to hit me and I stood up in front of him and told him that if he touched me one more time, I would be going to the police. He stopped. From that moment on, the physical abuse stopped. The emotional and mental abuse did not. but at least one part of the horror story was over. I still don’t know where the bravery in that particular moment came from, but I stood up for myself for the first time in my life.
In 2006 I made the decision to move to Sweden. It was a very impulsive decision. My life was a mess at that point and I really needed a change. My boyfriend was a Swede living in Sweden, and well, it was just an opportunity that opened up. I packed two bags and left my life in Germany behind. I dropped out of university and moved in with the man I loved. In retrospect this was a great decision. I had 10 wonderful years with that man, and we started a life together.
Four years later I decided to get in touch with psychiatry. This was a huge step for me and it changed my life both for the better and for the worse. I didn’t get any help from professionals, instead I spent way too many times in hospital and tried way too many different medications. Unfortunately, I felt invalidated, misdiagnosed and left stuck in a hopeless position. Now though, now I have a lot more knowledge about what I am struggling with, I understand myself better and I am not ignoring my mental health issues anymore. I don’t trust professionals, and I don’t think that psychiatry is going to be helpful for me in the future, but I have more self-awareness and that is definitely a positive!
Another landmark based on a decision I made was the break up with my husband and the consequent divorce. Suddenly I was alone for the first time in my life and had no one to turn to. It was the right decision, but it changed so much in my life. I had to take care of myself now, financially, emotionally and in all kinds of other ways. Those were tough lessons to learn but they made me a stronger person.
The last major landmark in my life was getting together with my current boyfriend, and yet again. moving countries. This time I ended up in Canada. It is not only moving to another continent that makes the relationship a major turning point in my life. It is also the fact that we are in a D/s relationship. Exploring BDSM and the D/s dynamic with Master S has given my life a new dimension of experiences, both emotionally and sexually. My life has once again totally turned around. An opportunity opened up, I made the decision to give it a go and my life changed majorly.
I have had many blogs in my life but I have always had trouble finding my voice. It just never felt right and there are quite a lot of graveyard blogs on the internet that have my name imprinted on them (aww, poor blogs!). I love writing. and I think I am quite good at it. It is just very difficult to find a niche that doesn’t quickly dry out and that somehow embraces all the knowledge and parts that dwell within me. But this time, with this blog, things have changed. I feel in my element, I am consistent in my writing and I don’t seem to run out of topics to write about. Starting this blog marks a turning point, in my life. I have found my voice, I am in my element. And yet again, it relates to my purpose in life: making people think and reflect, to help them improve their lives. And it has already improved my own quality of life.
I don’t like setting major goals, although I am fine with small goals in every day life. Disappointment usually follows goals that are not achieved, and I rather want to avoid that. I want to continue to hold on to the string of my purpose balloon, and try to improve my quality of life. My relationship is one of the most important things in my life and I want to thrive together with my partner. I also want to work better on my health, both mentally and physically. There are not specific goals or plans though, it is a just a general idea of how I would like things to be. I am not chasing any unattainable dreams. A good quality of life, a functioning relationship and a purpose balloon: I hope that is what my future will look like.
My blog is something I want to continue with. I have no specific plans for it, I rather want to go with the flow. I don’t have any statistic goals of getting a certain number of view, followers or likes. If someone reads my blog, I am happy, because it means that my purpose of life is still going strong. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love the increasing numbers of views and people contacting me. I love so very much to be part of the sexblogging community. I wouldn’t mind if I eventually made money with my blog. My purpose is going strong, everything else I can enjoy along the way, is a welcomed positive.
(Picture from Google)
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