30 Days of Submission – Day 13: Sexual Availability
Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?
Sexual availability is one of the main cornerstones of my submission. I started my journey into the world of BDSM and D/s in the bedroom, and it is still in that context that my submission happens naturally. It is through BDSM that I have actually discovered my sexuality, or maybe better said: that my sexuality got freed. I had always been aware of that I have a strong libido but after years of quite okay but unsatisfactory sex, I was convinced that masturbation was a way better path to walk on, than having sex with other people. How wrong I was!
I have an incredibly high sex drive and I don’t like lovey-dovey sex. It just doesn’t do anything for me. I need rough sex, I need pain, I love being used, I love when it goes crazy. And believe me or not, not a lot of men are into that kind of sex.
The stereotype of the alpha male who just takes what he wants is not something that I have been able to verify. Instead I have met men (and women for that matter) who wanted to have a lot of soft foreplay, who wanted tender loving. And that is chill, if both are into that. I am not into that though, so in those kinds of situations I just became bored and somewhat uncomfortable. It was sometimes triggering, sometimes just a plain turn off. I mean, I went along with it because I thought that this was the kind of sex that everyone was having and if I couldn’t get off during it, then there must be something wrong with me.
Apparently that is not the case! I just didn’t have the right kind of sex that would satisfy me. I love to submit sexually, I love to be used, I love to get hurt. And I want brutal, intense and soul-draining sex! I want to be told what to do, I want to please someone, I want to be controlled. I’m a little sad that it took me so long to find out that that is what I like. It was first in my mid 30s, after a divorce, that I found out who I am sexually.
Sometimes I think that I’ve lost years of my life to unsatisfactory sex, but on the other hand, my marriage was not bad, it was a lovely relationship that I would never regret to have been in. I regret that I never took up what would maybe interest me in the bedroom. As a matter of fact, when my ex found out that I am now into BDSM and I’m in a D/s relationship he asked me why I never brought up those tendencies with him, he would have been interested in it. Funnily enough, for a while after our break-up, he actually went to playparties and engaged in online BDSM sex. Life is weird sometimes. We all need to not be afraid or ashamed to talk about sex in our relationships!
So now I am in a relationship where I can fully enjoy my high sex drive and my sexuality. I am polyamorous, meaning that I acknowledge that one person might not be able to meet all sexual needs of another person. But for now, I am actually really sexually satisfied and I don’t have any urges nor wants to engage with another person. We have sex every day, we have scenes every day, I have multiple orgasms every day. And I think one of the reasons that I am so sexually satisfied at the moment is that I am sexually available at all times to my Master.
We had this discussion at one point, and I love the idea of being used, it really turns me on, the idea of just being a toy for someone that I trust with that power over me. I basically gave him consent to use me sexually whenever he wants and in whatever way he pleases. I gave him full consent. We even discussed certain areas that would go into consensual non-consensual, like just fucking me without any foreplay or brutally taking me, or fucking me when I am asleep. I gave him consent for that, of my free will, Knowing that he has that power over me sexually, is a very wonderful thing to me. I know that others would not enjoy that at all, but for me, it is perfection.
Giving him that kind of power over me makes me feel wanted, makes me feel attractive and enough. It makes me feel like I can please someone by being me. There are of course a few hard limits: like don’t touch me inappropriately in public. I thought that being in a bad headspace mental health wise would also be a hard limit, but it turns out that even then, I enjoy being used and it actually makes me feel better, being fucked.
It is actually quite odd, how much of a turn on it is for me. Just the other day there was a situation where it became really clear for me once again. I had just gone to pee and came out of the bathroom and he ordered me to go to the bedroom, to take my clothes off, to lay in bed, with my butt turned to me. And seconds later his hard cock entered me. I wasn’t aroused, sex hadn’t even been on my mind. But a few seconds later I was dripping wet. Sure, the penetration helped there, but it was mostly my mind being totally positively overwhelmed by the thought of that I was his sex toy, his plaything, that he wants to and does use me however he pleases.
Sexual availability is the easiest and at the moment almost most important part of my submission. While I am adding more and more areas to my submission, sex will always be the main feature, I’m quite sure of that.