Food For Thought – The Good, The Bad and The Meh of Sex
Sadly enough, it took up until my mid 30s to actually discover my sexual self. While most people try things out during their teens, become more confident and more aware of what they like in their 20s, it took me until my 30s to even be able to let go and enjoy sex properly.
Up until then I had the strong belief that sex just wasn’t my deal, at least not with another person. I was a serial masturbator, oh yes, that I was! I loved masturbation, I watched porn. But I was in a long term relationship (a very vanilla one), I didn’t have much confidence and I definitely did not feel comfortable talking about what I’d enjoy doing. I was open minded when it came to other people’s sex lives, never judged anyone for anything and was and am still accepting of whatever consensual things happen between people, but I thought sex was not for me. I couldn’t be naked with anyone, I could count the orgasms I have had during my life time with another person on one hand.
This definitely has a lot to do with my history of abuse and mental illness. I need safety and trust to actually let go and be with someone. But not only that, I had urges that felt like a little out there. I was a masochist, and I dreamt about humiliation and degradation. I wanted to please and be used. But I didn’t even know how to explain to anyone what my kinks are. Not to mention that I really really felt uncomfortable with anyone seeing me naked.
But the urges grew stronger, generally, I needed to fuck. My partner at that time was going through a rough period in his life and wasn’t up to even having more vanilla sex. So I ventured. After several relationships online, and a divorce, I felt freed. I still didn’t feel comfortable being naked around anyone or see myself as a sexual being (a lot of times I actually still don’t. I mean, the first time I had consensual sex was at 22. Up until then, I never even allowed anyone to touch my naked parts. I was basically the bj giver. Just so I got it out of the way and I didn’t have to be naked with anyone). But I was free now. And I was horny.
I learnt so many things about myself during just a short period of time, and I became accepting of my urges and needs. I even ended up in subfrenzy for a while, because I had finally found my heaven! And more importantly: I found people who could meet my needs, and I could give them what they wanted! The first time I masturbated with a dildo inside me, instead of a vibrator, was at 34! I was scared it would hurt, I didn’t know if I’d like it. And who knew, I can actually have vaginal orgasms. And clit orgasms. And anal orgasms. I am a lucky gal, and I didn’t even know!
Now sex is such an important part of my life. I have sex every day! Every day, sometimes more than once. I love it! I still don’t walk around naked or even topless at play parties. And I go through tough decision making processes when uploading pictures on Fetlife. And although I have strong tendencies towards poly, and I am generally always horny, I would not be able to be naked with just some random stranger, I’d need trust and reassurance first. But with the partners I have had so far (ever since I discovered my sexuality), and especially my current partner, I am so comfortable, I am so free, I am so happy to fuck!
I am a good puppet! I am not sure if that is a sexual strength. Seriously, this is actually a really interesting thing to ponder about though, because I never knew that certain things that my body can do, are actually kind of special and desirable. I am one of those people that are easily hypnotized and conditioned, if I trust someone. So I am actually a good puppet and plaything. I can come on command still, I can slide into sexual trance or subspace really fast. And when I decide to submit, I submit fully sexually. I think those are strengths!
Also, I am very good at taking pain. I think I have only ever used the safeword once for pain. As long as there is a slow build up, I have not found my limits yet. I am definitely an interesting object for anyone with sadistic tendencies, I believe. Some of my kinks involve boob and butt punching and clit pinching. I like it brutal.
I can have multiple orgasms. and I love being forced to orgasm. Although I scream and fight because it is so uncomfortable! And when I say multiple orgasms, I mean like 100 orgasms in two hours, easy. I never knew that was not a thing for other people, actually, until I saw the reactions in my partners faces when I couldn’t stop coming. Apparently multiple orgasms are not something that most women can do. Who knew. Well, I know now!
I squirt. If you are not careful, I will squirt a lot and we will need hours to clean it all up. This is also something I didn’t know I could do up until about one and a half years ago. To get me to a point of squirting, I need some time of penetration, with any object, really. I was so very confused when it happened the first time, but now I know what it is, oh wow, I love to squirt! I have been told that it is a positive in one’s sexual tool box, the ability to squirt, so I am definitely going to put it in the sexual strengths category!
There have been some compliments about my abilities in the bedroom. Apparently it is good when you are not just laying there like a dead fish. Well, I love sex! So of course I am enthusiastically into it. I don’t need to play, I am moving in the rhythm because I love what is going on, I moan because I am feeling pleasure. I scream because I feel pain, and I have been told that once I am pushed over a certain edge, I get these sex crazy eyes and I become really primal. People told me that that was a real turn on!
I am always ready. That might sound like a lie, but the moment my Master wants sex, I am up to it. No discussion. I am easily persuaded there because no persuasion is needed. And I can do it, play and sex, for hours. Because, let’s face it, I am kind of a slut. Yes, I am a slut. Oh wow, I never thought I would ever admit to anything like that in public! Revelations!
One final thing I often get compliments about are my fellatio skills. I never actually read up on it, never tried to figure out how it works, I always just go for it. Giving someone head is something very natural to me, something enjoyable, something that I don’t oppose to at all!
You know, a lot of Dominants dislike brats because they are work. I get it. But the Doms that I have been with specifically enjoyed the bratty side of me. They loved the fight, the tease and that I am not just following every order blindly. So believe it or not, my brattiness has been a positive for me, and others have seen it as a positive.
What I want to do better
I want to be a better submissive and actually enjoy orgasm control fully. I am getting quickly frustrated when I am not allowed to get off, or when I am even denied to come. That is still a struggle because I really like orgasms. Although I must admit that I love the pleased expression on my Master’s face when he watches me squirm.
I want to be able to be more confident in my own skin. There is a lot of internalized hatred for my own body, for its shape, for certain parts of it. I wish I could become more body positive, more accepting, more confident. I want to be able to have sex with other people than my partner, and what is stopping me is not that I don’t want to, but that I am uncomfortable naked around other people.
What I am quite indifferent about
I am okay with foreplay, I mean, a lot of D/s relationships are foreplay, right? But I am talking vanilla foreplay. It is fine with me, I do it if that is something that someone wants to do. Just wake me up when you are done, and the more interesting parts start. Slow play sensual play feels more like a relaxation technique than a sexual arousal thing to me. Being blindfolded and someone touching your body with a feather? I’d be snoring in no time!
I still do some sensual foreplay, like kissing or hugging, but I am quite indifferent about it, and it is not one of the things that would put me into a sexual space. Same with slow teasing. Someone going around your vagina with their finger for five minutes before even getting to the good parts? Or just touchy touching it? I need rough. I don’t need lovey dovey stroking puppies feels. But I can live with it, if that is what turns my partner on. I can always plan dinner, have a meaningful discussion about Kant and cunts in my head, or watch the clouds float by.
(All the pictures are of me, and by me)